Lost My Partner Newsletter

Getting The Family Through Mother's Day and Father's Day

2012-05-03T18:35:42Z

MAY 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Back by popular demand!

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Holidays can be difficult, especially during the first year after your loss. Like other holidays, Mother�s Day and Father�s Days are advertised everywhere and filled with reminders of happier family times.

These holidays may stir up the pain of loss for you, your children and grandchildren. Such occasions may also remind you of your own deceased parent(s).While others around them celebrate these occasions, children in particular can feel left out and troubled.

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

The feelings these holidays stir up won�t just go away. It�s best to acknowledge the occasions, even briefly, especially with children. Denying or avoiding a holiday tends to result in �delayed reactions�, where the emotions come up in unexpected ways.�

QUOTES ABOUT PARENTS

�Children learn to smile from their parents.�
- Shinichi Suzuki

�A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.�
- Tenneva Jordan

�Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad�
- Proverb

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you. Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

April Fools - Condolences From the Clueless & Thanks For Asking But...

2012-04-02T21:07:47Z

APRIL 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 4�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

April Fools- Condolences From the Clueless

Unfortunately, it�s an all too familiar situation when your spouse/partner has died and a relative, friend or acquaintance appears, phones or emails you.

In their well-meaning way, this person offers what they consider to be heartfelt and comforting words of condolence.

Unfortunately, these remarks come across to you as being incredibly insensitive, presumptuous or just plain clueless.

Here are some classics from our collection:

�It�s all for the best.�

�Well, at least he/she lived a good/long life.�

�I know exactly how you feel.�

�He/she wouldn�t want you to be sad. You have to try and be strong for him/her/the children/your in-laws/the family dog.�

� Aren�t you over it yet?�

�Don�t worry � you�ll find someone else.�

�I went through the same thing during my divorce.�

Any of these sound familiar? For more a more extensive list of clueless condolences, check out WidowNet.org. It's a site with other helpful information for widowed men and women.

YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS

Thanks For Asking But�

Whenever friends ask you out to dinner or other events, are you uncertain about accepting the invitation? Uncertain because due to grief, you�re not sure how you�ll be feeling when the time comes to actually get together?

Here are some suggestions for handling this common dilemma for anyone who is bereaved:

* After thanking your friends for their interest, remind them that because of your loss, every day has it�s ups and downs.

* Ask your friends if it�s okay to notify them a day or so ahead of the occasion, so you don�t feel pressured and have a better idea of what you�re up for.

Keep in mind that most people are very understanding.

Send your thoughts and experiences about these situations to� contact@lostmypartner.com.

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How Past Losses Can Kick In Now

2012-03-08T14:47:57Z

MARCH 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com ������

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

How Past Losses Can Kick In Now

As you struggle through the recent death of your spouse/partner, there may be other losses hovering in the background, influencing your current mourning process. Former losses can include the death of a parent/s or anyone else significant in your life.

�So what?� you may ask. �That loss is over and done with. Why should I think about it now?�

Because those past losses can affect you in the following ways:

The length of time it takes you to mourn his or her death.
Your experience of puzzling or frightening reactions that don�t seem connected to your current loss.
How complicated the mourning process for your partner becomes.�

Why does this happen?

Previous deaths shape and influence how you now mourn because:�

1) The ways you�ve observed family members mourn a past death has given you� (rightly or wrongly), a blueprint of how to grieve. Was it important in your family and/or culture to appear �strong� and unemotional?

2) How did you yourself mourn those earlier losses? Was your grieving process cut short by circumstances or your own attempts to �get over it� too quickly?

3) If a prior death occurred recently, you may feel too overwhelmed by the additional trauma of your current loss to adequately mourn either death.

To become more aware of the confusing, hidden influence of past losses, ask yourself the following:

1) What other significant losses have I experienced in my life? Your relationship to that loved one is what counts here. Not whether you were �related� or not.

2) How did my family react to major losses? Were we able to talk about what had happened and express feelings of loss or was the whole thing �hushed up�?

3) Do I want to mourn in a way that�s different from what I learned in my family?

4) Have I truly allowed myself sufficient time to mourn past losses? If not, is there some emotional �unfinished business� I still need to address when I�m feeling up to it?

5) Are there aspects of my current loss that stir up similar reactions to my prior loss/es?

By considering how past losses influence your current mourning, you may be able to better understand and defuse some of the distress you�re currently experiencing.

Keep in mind that the more you do the �work� of mourning, the more quickly you�ll truly be able to move forward.

And don�t forget that every tear counts.

Irish Words of Wisdom

- It is a long road that has no turning.

- May the strength of three be in your journey.

- May the frost never afflict your spuds. May the outside leaves of your cabbage always be free from worms. May the crow never pick your haystack, and may your donkey always be in foal.

- May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

- When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak.

- May good luck be your friend
In whatever you do.
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you

DISCOVER MORE

�If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you. Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues If You're Widowed & Valentine Quotes to Send to Family and Friends

2012-02-07T22:36:06Z

FEBRUARY 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES IF YOU�RE WIDOWED

It�s all around you: painful reminders that you don�t have that �someone special� with whom to celebrate Valentine�s Day. Although your spouse/partner isn�t here to share the day, consider expanding your definition of what the word �love� really means.

This year, remind yourself that �love� isn�t just limited by the type of relationship you shared with your spouse/partner. By widening your scope a bit, you can embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection. This can mean including relationships such as family members and good friends.

Use the Valentine�s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible. It�s important to give yourself credit for the progress you�ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

VALENTINE�S DAY QUOTES TO SEND TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS

In our above article, we suggest embracing all the people in your life you feel affection for by sending a card and/or getting together with to spend Valentine�s Day.

Here are some sample quotes to add to emails or cards:

�Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.�

- Czech Proverb

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon

"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrich

"A friend is a gift you give yourself."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

��In time of test, family is best.��� - Burmese Proverb

�Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.�
- Anthony Brandt�

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

5 Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Spouse

2012-01-05T21:27:15Z

JANUARY 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

5 SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Give yourself a big pat on the back � you�ve just survived the holidays, one of the toughest times for anyone grieving a loss. Now you�re probably looking ahead and wondering how you�ll ever make it through the next twelve months.

Here are 5 suggestions to help gently ease you along the bumpy road of bereavement:

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, bite-size goal every day, such as making 2 phone calls. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

3. Think back to the person you were before you married. Can you remember any hobbies or interests that you might have set aside due to family responsibilities? Consider participating in those former activities once again. Local adult schools or community groups offer many opportunities to freshen up your skills.

4. Reach out to others more. Make a new friend. While widowed groups offer the chance to meet others who can relate to what you�re going through, there are opportunities in your neighborhood such as clubs and organizations that can be great sources of meeting people who may share other interests with you.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do.� Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself.� Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

Quotes on Facing the Challenges of a New Year

1) Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.

- Bernice Johnson Reagon

2) You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

3) Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

4) Mountains cannot be surmounted except by winding paths.

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

5) It�s not whether you get knocked down. It�s whether you get up again.

- Vince Lombardi

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

HELP YOURSELF THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS BY HELPING OTHERS

2011-11-10T19:53:50Z

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER �2011___________________________________�� Mc Cormick Press��

VOL. VIII, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Help Yourself Through the Holidays By Helping Others

Is the prospect of any holiday celebrating just too much to consider this year?

If you recently lost your partner, you may be feeling very �bah, humbug!� about all the customary activities and rituals of the season.

While you may chose to modify some of your usual tasks (see our post re holidays), you might be thinking about ignoring the day completely.

Keep in mind that at some point, either on the holiday or before, the pain of your loss with catch up with you (read our post on preventing �sneak attacks�).

So in addition to grieving, what can you do if you want to pass on the usual holiday activities?

This time of year, there are numerous opportunities for volunteering in your community.

Consider participating with a friend and/or your children or grandchildren.

As well as helping you stay busy during this difficult period, you�ll gain the warm feelings that come with brightening the days for those you help.

Here are some good ideas we found on factoidz.com:

Nursing Home Centers

Nursing homes need all kinds of volunteers. You could help decorate for their Christmas and Thanksgiving parties. They usually have a need for gift wrappers as well, and for volunteers to help the elderly make arts and crafts Christmas gifts. Volunteering for the elderly can be a year round project.

Women�s Shelters

These shelters would love to have help decorating trees, babysitting, and maybe even transporting women to do their holiday shopping. Also consider doing things like answering phones and data entry.

Homeless Shelters

There is always a need for help in these shelters, and these days our shelters are overflowing with people who need your services. Go there to help with fundraising, food preparation, clothing drives; the list is endless.

Food Kitchens

Thanksgiving is a great time to help prepare and serve a hot meal to the needy. Shelters are listed in the phone book and on the Internet.

Children�s Shelters

Help the kids get the toys they want for Christmas. Call your local childrens� shelter and find out what toys they need and drop them off. Remember Toys for Tots, it�s sponsored by the United States Marine Corps, and all you have to do is buy a toy and drop it off at one of many selected drop off points.

Your Place of Worship

Ask your religious advisor what you can do to help those in your community, maybe even those at your place of worship need help. Religious volunteering is one of the easiest ways to help our neighbors.

Online Volunteering

Contribute your skills to organizations all around the world, and help them grow. You can make a difference through your translation skills, research, writing and editing�.the possibilities are almost endless.

Any other suggestions for holiday volunteering?

Please let us know.

DISCOVER MORE

Be sure to check out our blog. You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you. Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Beware the Ghouls & Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

2011-10-10T20:14:44Z

OCTOBER 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Beware the Ghouls and Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

In the days and weeks following your spouse�s death, shock and exhaustion can leave you vulnerable to certain people who are difficult to avoid. Usually disguised as well-meaning family and friends, these creatures often unknowingly say or do upsetting things.�

Here are some tips for identifying them and protecting yourself:

1. Platitude Ghouls

Spot them: Though well-intentioned, these creatures don�t think before spewing out insensitive remarks such as, �It�s all for the best�, �Aren�t you over it yet?�, �Don�t worry � you�ll find someone else� or � I went through exactly the same thing during my divorce.�

Ward them off by: Changing the subject.

2. Gruesome Grabbers

Spot them: Usually adult children/step-children, cousins, or other relatives, these creatures swoop in while you�re still off-balance and start nosing around for �remembrances� of your late spouse. Can often be found burrowing through closets and drawers while you�re in another part of the house.

Ward them off by: Telling them, �I�m just not ready to deal with this yet. I�ll let you know when I�m up to it.� Then be sure to keep an eye on them.

3. Demolition Demons

Spot them: These creatures love to pressure you with sincere but unwelcome advice aimed at dismantling reminders of your former life. Under the guise of �it�s for your own good�, they urge you to give away your spouse�s belongings, sell your car, home, or other valuables, move to another city, or make other important changes�quickly.

Ward them off by: Keeping in mind that making hasty decisions while you�re grieving usually results in later regrets. Tell DD�s,� I need more time before I make any important decisions. I�ll consider taking these steps when I�m in a better frame of mind.� If this doesn�t stop them, a simple, �Not now!� may work.

4. Creepy Crawlers

Spot them: Often a family friend or neighbor, these predators exploit your trust at a time when you�re most vulnerable. When these creeps offer a sympathetic �shoulder to cry on�, that�s not the only part of their bodies they want to share with you.

Ward them off by: Letting them know how insulted you feel and what a betrayal of trust their offers have caused. Or you might say, �You�ve obviously misread me/the situation. I�m not interested!�

��

The grieving process can be scary enough without these creatures. With a little caution and some assertiveness, you can send them scurrying back into the darkness.

WISE WORDS ABOUT COPING WITH FEAR

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.�

- Richard Bach

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.�

- Eric Hoffer

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.�

- Rudyard Kipling

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do...�

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.�

- Marie Curie

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Marking Your Progress & When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?

2011-09-08T21:24:06Z

SEPTEMBER 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This month we�ve included a bonus article, When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?� Check it out.

MONTHLY FEATURE

Marking Your Progress

While you�re in the midst of grieving for your spouse/partner, it�s easy to feel overwhelmed and at times defeated by the burdens of new tasks and responsibilities.

Caught up in the day to day struggles of surviving your loss, it may feel discouraging to think about how much still lies ahead of you.

It�s important however, to pause and notice how far you�ve already come since the death. Try to remember how you were functioning a week, a month, or months ago.

Picture yourself as you were back then.

- Now consider all the little steps you�ve achieved since those earlier times.

- What challenges have you faced and managed to deal with?�

- What strengths have you discovered within yourself that you never realized before?

Now give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back.

You might also consider recording your progress in a journal. It�s a good way to keep track of how far you�ve come.

BONUS ARTICLE

When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?

After your spouse/partner dies, you may have mixed feelings about when to remove your wedding ring.

Because there are no firm rules about if and when to take this emotionally loaded step, it�s really up to you to decide when to stop wearing your ring.

You might practice removing it for short periods and see how you feel. Or try a more gradual change by shifting the ring to another finger, different hand, or a chain you wear around your neck.

However you proceed, take the time you need to the make the decision that�s right for you.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Lost My Partner Newsletter is Taking the Summer Off

2011-07-06T17:11:07Z

Your next edition of the Lost My Partner Newsletter will arrive in September.

In the meantime, check out over 200 posts on www.lostmypartnerblog.com , as well as past newsletters on our website, www.lostmypartner.com.

Take care.

Best Wishes,

Laurie & Ruth

��

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Being Around Others Who Still Have Partners

2011-06-09T20:48:29Z

JUNE 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Being Around Others Who Still Have Partners

Having lost your own spouse/partner, you may find yourself noticing couples everywhere: holding hands, arguing, or just being able to share life�s experiences together.

As you grapple with adjusting to a sense of yourself without a partner, you may discover difficult feelings surfacing when you�re around couples.

�� Why is my spouse gone, and they still have theirs?�

You might feel somewhat guilty about the envy you experience in these situations. Such a reaction is normal and very understandable.

�� Look at that couple argue! Don�t they realize how short life is? They ��should appreciate every second they have together. If only��

Many become angry and resentful when the pain of their loss is stirred up by seeing other couples� fighting or bickering over what appears to be petty problems.

It�s natural to feel some envy, anger and resentment when witnessing these situations. Your reactions represent the difficult emotional shift you�re making from having been part of a couple to now being single.

You may imagine that if you had a second chance at having your late partner with you again, you would do things differently.

In reality, even if you could do it all over again, there would always be some tensions and conflicts. That�s just a normal part of being together with anyone.

Give yourself permission to yearn for what others still have but remind yourself of some of the realities that you once struggled with during your relationship with your late partner.

MONTHLY QUOTES

1) Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the un-bereaved.
-Iris Murdoch

2) Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

3) If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.

- Beth Mende Conny

4) The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it.
- Mary Catherine Bateson

5) Nothing is so strong as gentleness
and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

-Ralph W. Sockman

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's and Father's Days

2011-05-05T15:50:48Z

May 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Back by popular demand!

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

WIDOW WISDOM

Five Things You Don�t Have to Worry About While Grieving

With all the changes and stress you have to cope with because your spouse/partner has died, we thought it might help relieve some pressure to know what does not require your immediate attention.

1) Responding to sympathy cards and/or other forms of condolence.

2) Staying on a diet (unless your health is at great risk), or any other non-critical lifestyle change.

3) Taking care of other�s feelings about the loss (unless it�s immediate family).

4) Postponing any social obligations.

5) Making major decisions about your home, finances, etc.

Remember that you�re going through a major loss and others don�t expect you to function the way you normally do.

So be realistic about your expectations for yourself and trust that others will understand.

Be kind to yourself.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

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Too Much Too Soon

2011-04-06T17:41:35Z

April 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 4�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Too Much Too Soon

In the initial weeks following your spouse/partner�s death, you may find yourself swamped by well-meaning family, friends and others anxious to show their caring and support. Phone calls, e-mails and visits can provide a welcome cushion from the shock and pain of your loss.

There may be times however, when all the attention becomes overwhelming.

Keep in mind that others tend to feel helpless when a death occurs.

The calls, visits and invitations help them feel less so. You might suggest they help with small chores such as marketing or helping sort paperwork.

Your comfort level, however, is what�s most important, however, so help others to really �be there� for you by gently setting some limits.

Whenever all the attention from well-meaning friends and family starts to feel overwhelming, try to remember the following:

Pace yourself. People will understand that under the circumstances, you need to gage your capabilities on a day-to-day basis.

If you feel the need for quiet or solitude, it�s okay to say so. Let others know you appreciate their company but recent events have left you depleted and you need to take time to retreat.

If others invite you out for a meal or other social occasion, you may be reluctant to decline due to fear of losing more connections in your life. People will understand if you explain that you aren�t sure from one day to the next how you�ll be feeling and will have to let them know closer to the event.

Keep in mind that during this difficult period, your needs and comfort are important! For now, it�s okay to make them your top priority.

Also remember it�s important to have others in your life and not to isolate yourself.

YOUR COMMENTS

Things are going well in my life but I still have periods of sadness and "space out" that don't seem to make any sense. So [last month�s feature,�Surviving Space-Outs�] was helpful.

I just went through a period of memories of being with my partner and it was hard getting back into the present. I was looking at old photographs and that brought up a lot of feelings. I could see, however, that it is now in the past. I have moved forward in my life beyond much of the grief. But sometimes it comes back like a wave but it no longer knocks me down.

I still need to be gentle with myself.

Thanks for your support!

Beth

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

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Surviving Space-Outs

2011-03-08T20:45:46Z

March 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Surviving Space-Outs

This article is about�uh�wait a minute, it�ll come to me�I had it right on the tip of my�oh, yeah - how to survive those times when you can�t remember where you left something or where you intended to go or when you last ate something.

No, this article isn�t about the symptoms of Alzheimer�s Disease.

It�s about some of the normal symptoms that occur if your spouse/partner has recently died.

Whether it�s misplacing your keys, or suddenly realizing you�ve driven to some place you never intended to go, being forgetful, absentminded and disoriented are common reactions to the intensity of experiencing a major loss. Even with an expected loss, there�s always some shock to your system, because nobody can really predict how they�ll be affected by a death.

With most deaths, especially unexpected ones, your whole world is often thrown into chaos. In addition to the assault on your thoughts and emotions, there�s also the disruption in your usual sleeping and habits affecting your ability to function.

Try not to panic. Assure yourself and others that memory and concentration problems are� temporary symptoms of having lost your partner.

Now that we�ve looked at the frustrating, but normal symptoms of forgetfulness and disorientation that follow experiencing the death of a spouse/partner, here are useful tips for dealing with these symptoms:

1) Give yourself permission to not be your usual self for the time being.

2) If you find you�ve lost track of something, stop, take three deep breaths and mentally (or physically) retrace your steps.

3) Write down anything you need to remember, especially appointments, as soon as possible.

4) Set up various �information centers� in highly visible places, such as your computer or the refrigerator door, where you can place reminders to yourself.

5) Put reminders or important information on color-coded sticky notes that you leave on your information centers. Remove them when each task is completed.

6) Keep extra sets of keys at your information centers.

7) When first scheduling an appointment, request a telephone or email reminder.

Keep in mind that these symptoms are temporary and even the most conscientious people� become forgetful and disoriented after suffering a major loss.

So be patient with yourself.

And give it time.

WORDS OF WISDOM

In honor of this month�s St.Patrick�s Day, here are some of our favorite Irish words of wisdom:

* May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
�� the foresight to know where you're going
�� and the insight to know when you're going too far.

* May you have warm words on a cold evening,
�� a full moon on a dark night,
�� and the road downhill all the way to your door.

* A friend's eye is a good mirror.

* Even a small thorn causes festering.

* When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is ��weak.

* As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.

* May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my grandmother�s teeth.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues If You're Widowed

2011-02-09T20:42:44Z

February 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES IF YOU�RE WIDOWED

Use the Valentine�s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible. It�s important to give yourself credit for the progress you�ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My adult son was always very close to his mother, who passed away 2 years ago. Six months ago, I married a wonderful widowed lady and we�re very happy. The problem is that my son is having a hard time accepting my new wife. Despite her efforts to be sensitive to my son�s feelings, my son refuses to join any family gatherings that include her. I�ve tried to talk to my son about this situation, but he just clams up and denies there is any problem. This is a very hurtful situation for both myself and my wife. What should we do?�� Fred P.

Your situation is not uncommon. One possibility is that your son may have difficulty accepting your new wife because he�s still grieving the loss of his mother and not ready to accept that you are ready to move on with your life. Another possibility is that your son fears that by accepting your wife, he�s being disloyal to the memory of his mother. Give the situation some time and patience.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

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A New Year; What's Ahead for You?

2011-01-05T17:23:39Z

January 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

A New Year; What�s Ahead for You?

The holidays are finally over. Congratulate yourself on having survived. As you look ahead to the coming year, what do you feel?� Dread, anticipation or a combination of both?

Depending upon how recently your loss occurred, you may experience dread if:

This will be a year of firsts, i.e., first birthday, wedding anniversary, and/or other special occasions since the loss.
You are wondering where to turn for support.
You ask yourself, �How can I put my life back together now that my spouse is gone?�

If some time has passed since the loss, you may be facing the future with anticipation as you:

� Think about ways to enlarge your circle of friends, (you may have lost some, especially couple friends, now that you are widowed).

� Re-define how you see yourself. What strengths have you gained and in what ways are you more confident?

� Consider trying new activities, which are good ways to gain both of the above.

Recognize that while so much in your life has changed due to your loss, you can trust yourself to learn how to weather the changes and challenges in the year ahead.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband and I belonged to a supper club that gets together monthly and on special occasions.� Since my husband passed away last July, I�ve been invited to the monthly suppers, but recently found out that I wasn�t included in some of the other events. I�m terribly hurt by this. Should I say something or just drop out altogether?�

Eva R.

Through no fault of your own, you�ve been experiencing a common but painful situation that many widowed people face. While some couples are comfortable retaining �single� friends, others can feel threatened. This is often due to their own fears and insecurities (such as �If death can happen to her, it can happen to us.�) While you might want to discuss your feelings with a trusted member of this group, you should also consider moving on to a social gathering or support group that includes others who are widowed or single and could be more supportive. Even if you do chose to leave your old group, you can still maintain friendships with individual members.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

FREE Shipping on Lost My Partner (with corrected link)

2010-11-17T21:08:01Z

Our holiday gift to you is FREE standard shipping on all copies of Lost My Partner when you order by December 31! So give yourself or someone you know a gift that provides comfort and support all year. Learn more by going to: http://www.lostmypartner.com/holidayspecial.html. Happy Holidays from Ruth & Laurie!

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Haunting Symptoms

2010-10-08T16:54:08Z

October, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Haunting Symptoms

We�re not talking about the paranormal here.�

We�re talking about the normal symptoms of hallucinations and/or a sense of your late partner�s presence that are a common reaction to losing a loved one.

Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition, the following will explain more about these sometimes comforting, sometimes worrying symptoms of the mourning process.

Hallucinations

�I was in the kitchen one day shortly after my wife died, when suddenly, I thought I smelled her perfume. There wasn�t a perfume bottle anywhere nearby, but the fragrance came to me very distinctly.�

Because bereavement is such an intense emotional experience, it�s normal for your senses to occasionally play tricks on you.

Many people report hearing, smelling, or even seeing their deceased spouse/partner. For most of you, this experience can be very comforting.

Sometimes, however, hallucinations continue to occur long after a loss or reflect images not related to your partner. Overmedication or drug interaction could be a possible cause. It�s important to check with your physician or mental health professional if hallucinations continue.

Feeling Your Deceased Partner�s Presence

��Last night I suddenly woke up and was sure I could feel my husband lying there next to me, just like always. It was so reassuring that I was afraid to turn and look, in case it was all in my imagination.�

Many people report finding solace in having �conversations� with their deceased spouse/partner.

When you�ve lived with another person for a long time, their presence becomes a part of your physical landscape. Each room holds associations and memories of that person.

It�s not uncommon then, to experience a sense of your spouse/partner�s presence from time to time.

It can give you a comforting sense of connection to your partner in the early period after his or her death. It usually goes away with time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

My precious husband recently passed after a brief illness. During our 60 year marriage, we worked together every day in a family business. Because my husband died at home, I haven�t been able to stay in our house and since the funeral I�ve been staying with my son and daughter in their homes. Do you think I should just sell my house or should I try to move back home?

Celia R.

It�s understandable that you find it difficult to stay in your home. If living with your children is most comforting right now, that�s okay. For now. However, don�t prolong the visits. It�s important to eventually adjust to being in your own home. Try first removing reminders of your husband�s illness. It may also help to have someone stay with you in the house for awhile until you become more comfortable. And we always advise against making major decisions such as selling a house for at least a year following the death.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Helping Your Child/Teen Return to School After the Loss

2010-09-02T16:04:51Z

September, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Helping Your Child/Teen Return to School After the Loss

(Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition)

Children

Following the death of your partner, your child is probably anxious to return to their daily world, which provides a much needed source of support for them during this time. In addition to the stability it provides, school is where friends and teachers can offer an ear for feelings your child may hesitate to share with you.

1) Before your child returns to school, contact his/her teacher and the school counselor. Discuss how they can tell your child�s classmates about the death prior to your child�s return. It�s important the teacher be aware that your child�s loss may stir up fears in other children about losing a parent. The teacher might also explore with your child and his/her classmates how to respond supportively when your child becomes sad or tearful.

2) Prepare your child for how to react to people at school. Rehearse simple ways for him/her to respond to other children�s questions, behavior, etc.

3) If being at school becomes too overwhelming for your child, arrange ahead of time for you or another adult to come pick him/her up during the day.

Teenagers

There are some important differences to be aware of with teens.

Because it�s not uncommon for teenagers to react to the death of a parent with behavioral problems at school such as poor performance or truancy, it�s important to:

1) Talk to your teen about what�s happened and how it�s affected them.

2) Listen to his/her fears and concerns and be reassuring but truthful in your response.

3) Ask your teenager if he/she would like you to inform the school or any teacher about the death. This is to ensure that the teacher will be understanding of the change in behavior and school work.

4) Let your teen tell classmates and friends in his/her own way, if they prefer to do so.�

Remember that no matter how much they pull away from you because they�re adolescents, there are still times they need to depend on you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed away last year.� I recently became ill. My husband and I were never blessed with children and my only family lives out of state. Although I have wonderful friends who have been very supportive of me, I felt guilty about imposing on them during my illness. Given my age however, I know there will be future medical situations when I�ll need some help. What should I do?�

Mabel B.

We can understand your concerns about depending on friends. Are some of them also widowed or alone? You might discuss arranging to share some potential caretaking tasks, such as driving to medical appointments, food shopping, etc. that each of you may need and can assist the others with. Keep in mind that friendships go two ways.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Going Back to Work; Part 2: Your Reactions

2010-07-07T16:47:24Z

July, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Going Back to Work

Part 2: Your Reactions

In Part 1 of this excerpt from Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we discussed the various ways your coworkers may react to you once you return to work.

We now focus on your own reactions to being on the job following your loss.

- Be prepared for unexpected tears. During the first week at work, there may be moments when you find yourself tearful. This lessens with time, but for now, give yourself permission to retreat to the restroom or other secluded area for a good cry or to compose yourself. Many find giving themselves this release helps relieve the pressure of having to control feelings of grief while at work.

- Be prepared to experience some difficulty with memory and concentration. These are common but temporary grief reactions. While you may feel frustrated and anxious about this change, try to be patient with yourself. It helps to reread and/or go over information or tasks more than once.

- Your boss or coworkers may have unrealistic expectations. Assure them you�re doing your best, and that any slowdown on your part is temporary.

Despite how others may react, it�s important for you to recognize that what is going on is normal and temporary. With time and patience (especially your own), you will regain the capacity you used to have to do your job.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My beloved husband passed a year and a half ago. The 4^th of July was always special for us because that�s when we had our first date. We celebrated each year with a picnic at the local park, where we watched fireworks. Last year, I stayed home and even though I usually love fireworks, I couldn�t even watch them on TV. This year, my family wants me to join them for a celebration at the park, but I�m not sure I�m up to it. What should I do?�

Cynthia J.

After a loss, it�s difficult returning to places that hold cherished memories. Try joining your family this year. While you�ll probably feel some sadness, there may also be some moments of pleasure. Keep in mind that it does get easier with time.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Going Back to Work; Part 1: Your Coworkers Reactions

2010-06-08T16:42:05Z

June, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Going Back to Work

Part 1: Dealing With Coworkers� Reactions

(Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition)

Returning to a job after a spouse�s death is a step that tends to be anticipated with eagerness, dread, or both, at different times. The workplace can seem like a familiar well-ordered refuge where you find many hours of distraction away from your pain. On the other hand, it can represent the ordeal of work pressures, coworkers� reactions, and a boss�s unrealistic expectations.

Here are some ways to make it through a work day while you�re grieving:

a) While your private world has been drastically changed, your workplace has gone along in its usual way. You may, therefore, initially feel out of sync with the rest of your coworkers.

b) Coworkers will look to you for their cues. Others usually feel awkward about expressing feelings or knowing the �right thing� to say. How you respond to the first expressions of sympathy will convey a message to other coworkers about how and if you want to discuss the loss. Some possible responses include: �Thank you. It�s difficult to talk right now � maybe later.� Or �I appreciate your concern.� Remember, the choice is yours.

c) Some coworkers may not mention the loss. This can feel hurtful and even insulting. Try to keep in mind that people are often afraid of �reminding� or upsetting a grieving person. Expressing sadness can seem especially threatening in a work setting, where personal distress is supposed to take a back seat to the demands of business.

In Part 2, learn tips for dealing with reactions of your own that may crop up at work.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband of 45 years recently passed. Several widowed ladies in my apartment building have asked me to join them for a movie but I just don�t feel comfortable socializing yet without Jerry. He�s been a part of my life for so long. I know I can�t keep avoiding these invitations from my neighbors but I don�t know what to do.�

Veronica B.

We certainly understand how difficult it is to shift from being part of a couple to being �single�. Having been widowed themselves, these ladies will probably be understanding of your discomfort. It does take time to adjust but try to take small steps. It will get easier.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's Day and Father's Day

2010-05-04T14:38:25Z

May, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Back by popular demand!

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I�m nearing 90. My beloved wife passed about 6 months ago after a long illness. I�m interested in seeking the companionship of a lady who has also been widowed. Do you think it�s too soon for me to start dating?�

Herbert H.

This is a very personal decision. If your wife had a lengthy illness, chances are you�ve gone through a period of �anticipatory� grief. Considering your age, dating this soon after your loss would not necessarily be inappropriate. Our best advice however, is always do what feels right for you.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Best Choice of Online Support If You're Widowed

2010-04-09T11:13:47Z

April, 2010�� McCormick Press ��Vol.Vll, Issue 4�� lostmypartnerblog.com ��.�� lostmypartner.com��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse DiesApril,

MONTHLY FEATURE

Best Choice of Online Support If You�re Widowed

Although there are several forms of online support for those who have been widowed (chat rooms, bulletin boards, etc.), our favorite is GriefNet.org. This non-profit site offers almost 50 specialized email support groups as well as two web sites.

According to GriefNet: �Our groups operate 24-hours/day, 365 days/year. Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time. When one member of a group sends an email message to the group, everyone in the group receives a copy. This allows many people to respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, day and night, year-round. Since 1994 these groups have helped thousands of people around the world deal safely with their grief.�

We also like the fact that there is a mental health professional in charge.All groups are monitored by trained volunteers who make sure that the groups are running smoothly. Overall supervision is provided by Cendra Lynn, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and traumatologist.

A sampling of GriefNet�s email groups includes:

Grief-Widowed: a support group for anyone who has lost a partner or a spouse at any age, at any time, of any sexual orientation.

Widowed-with-Kids: a group for those who have lost a partner or spouse who still have children living at home. This is a place where the unique problems of parenting when widowed can be discussed.

Grief-Widowed Moving On: a support group for anyone who has lost a partner or a spouse at any age, at any time, of any sexual orientation, and who has moved on beyond the first raw stages of dealing with that loss.

Young Widowed: a support group for those aged 40 or under who have lost a spouse or partner. Please note: the age cut-off is only suggested; those who feel themselves to fit into this category are welcome.

Widowed Gay: a support group for gays who have lost a partner to death or whose partner is currently dying. Gays are also welcome in our other widowed groups and while we have never had a homophobic incident, this group was created in response to a special request from some gay widowed members.

Be sure to also check out GriefNet�s support groups for children and teens.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My elderly husband recently passed after a long illness. At his funeral service, several people made insensitive remarks like �He�s lived a good long life� and �He�s better off now� or �It�s for the best�. Although I know these people were trying to comfort me, these comments were hurtful. Although Jack was older than me, I treasured every moment we had together. How should I reply?�

Karen M.

People are usually well-meaning but don�t know quite what to say under the circumstances. The best response you can make is to say nothing and put the other person�s comments down to good intentions poorly expressed.

DISCOVER MORE

Be sure to check out our blog. You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.
If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

TO JOIN OR NOT TO JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP

2010-03-09T20:35:24Z

March, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

To Join Or Not to Join a Support Group

A widowed support group can be a wonderful place to meet others who are in the same boat and experiencing feelings similar to yours. Through listening to others you can feel less alone. A support group is also a safe place to talk about those things that would feel like a burden if shared with family or friends.

You may, however, be hesitant to join a group.� Like many people, you may be wondering:

1) �How can I listen to other people�s problems when I have enough of my own?�

2) �I�m not sure I can talk about such personal feelings in front of strangers.�

3) �Won�t everyone be crying all the time?�

4) �What if I break down and start crying in front of everyone?�

Keep in mind the following:

1) After hearing others share their experiences, you�ll probably become more comfortable talking about your own.

2) Any well-run group observes confidentiality rules that ask all members not to reveal what is said in the group to outsiders. If this is not the case, be sure to suggest it.

3) As hard as it is to believe, there are usually more moments of mutual laughter than tears in a widowed group.

4) Many people are either embarrassed if they cry or worry about how it will look if they don�t. Once you�ve had time to get comfortable in a group, you�ll be reassured by the understanding and compassion of other group members.

It�s important to hold off joining a support group until you�re able to share and listen to others without becoming too distressed or overwhelmed.

Finding the Best Group for You

If you�ve decided to take the next step, consider the following:

Many hospitals, hospices and places of worship offer free or low-fee non-denominational support groups. Contact the Social Services Department at your local hospital and/or look for listings in your community newspaper.

If possible, select a group(s) specifically for the widowed. �Bereavement� groups tend to deal with all types of loss, such as parental, child, etc.�

Finding the right support group is like finding anything else that�s a �good fit�.� Ideally, you should �shop� around a bit until you find the most comfortable group for you. Most groups will let you sit in for a session before you make a commitment to join.

When you sit in with a group you�re considering, watch for how respectful the members are of each other and how well the leader manages time issues. The most important thing is to gage your own comfort level. Expect to be nervous at first, but after a few times, that should lessen.

When is the right time to leave a group?

When you no longer feel the need for this type of support. Discuss your decision to leave with the facilitator, who can ease this process for you and the others in the group.

This is a time when forming bonds with others who are also widowed can result in supportive, lasting friendships.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I visit my husband�s grave every Sunday. He passed 7 years ago. Although I find visiting the cemetery very comforting, some of my friends have become critical of my doing this. What do you think?� Doris G.

This is a very personal decision. If you are �getting on with your life� in other ways, yet draw comfort from weekly visits, that�s what�s best for you. If, however, you�re remaining �stuck� and are not trying anything new or forming new friendships and continue to be depressed about your loss, consider seeking professional help to explore� what�s holding you back.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues If You're Widowed

2010-02-08T17:18:54Z

February, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: How to Beat the Valentine�s Blues If You�re Widowed

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

If you�re facing Valentine�s Day with mixed emotions, this month�s feature article should help. Now enlarged, this popular article provides lots of useful ideas for getting through this holiday.

And be sure to check out our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Our website also offers the opportunity to read a sample chapter from our recently released Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition. Find out more at: www.lostmypartner.com.

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES IF YOU�RE WIDOWED

Use the Valentine�s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible. It�s important to give yourself credit for the progress you�ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed 8 months ago. I have to have a minor medical procedure and I�m supposed to have someone stay with me overnight.� Now that my husband is gone, I�m really missing his wonderful comfort and support. Our son lives out of town but I don�t want to bother him. What should I do?�� Cynthia C.

These situations tend to stir up our feelings of loss. Is your son aware of your upcoming procedure? If he is unable to be with you (and don�t make assumptions about this), consider asking a close friend or neighbor to spend the night. Most friends are happy to help, especially in a temporary situation.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Partner

2010-01-07T23:18:43Z

January, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Five Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Partner

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

It�s hard to believe it�s already a new decade!

If you�re facing the year ahead with mixed emotions, this month�s feature article should help. Although it�s one of our oldies, it�s still a goodie, with practical suggestions to help you take some small but important first steps.

And be sure to check out our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(Here�s the popular article from our January, 2005 issue)

FIVE SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER

Give yourself a big pat on the back! You�ve just survived the holidays, one of the toughest times for anyone grieving a loss. Now you�re probably looking ahead and wondering how you�ll ever make it through the next twelve months. Here are five suggestions to help gently ease you along the bumpy road of bereavement:

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, �bite-size� goal every day, such as tackling a couple of tasks. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

4. Reach out to others more. Make a new friend. While widowed groups offer the chance to meet others who can relate to what you�re going through, there are opportunities in your neighborhood such as clubs and organizations that can be great sources of meeting people who may share other interests with you.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do. Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself.� Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died 2 years ago. Since then, I�ve learned how to use his computer. It�s very comforting to sit in his chair and remember how he used to spend time working at his computer.� But because the computer is an older one, I keep having technical problems with it. I�ve been calling my grown son to help me when problems come up, but he wants me to get a new computer. I�m really not ready to get rid of the old one, which has so many cherished memories of my beloved husband but my son is getting upset with me over this.�� Audrey K.

It�s a new year and a new decade. Although it�s a difficult step, consider buying a new computer but temporarily keeping the old one, until you feel ready to recycle or otherwise get rid of it.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

10 Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays

2009-11-13T17:04:01Z

Nov./Dec. 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: 10 BEST WAYS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Wish the upcoming holiday season would just go away this year? If you�ve recently lost your spouse/partner, this can be one of the most difficult times of the year. Back by popular demand, this month�s feature provides proven strategies to ease you through the season.

And be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Ten Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays��

Dreading the upcoming holidays? If you�ve recently lost your spouse, the coming festivities can feel as unwelcome as Marley�s Ghost. Here are some tried and true strategies for facing the holiday season:

1) Think ahead and try to anticipate how you�ll feel on each holiday.

2) Even if you don�t join in the festivities, don�t remain alone all day. Spend some time with a friend.

3) Considering your loss, don�t expect yourself to be as upbeat as usual. Expect some sadness as you take part in the festivities.

4) To lessen the chance of emotional �sneak attacks�, make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.

5) If you do choose to join in holiday activities, make some changes as to how much you do or become involved in.

6) Contact the host or hostess before the get-together and let them know that you aren�t feeling like your usual self and may need to leave early.

7) Give yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to a gathering where your spouse is no longer with you.

8) Take your own car or alert a friend who is driving that you may want to leave early.

9) If you start to feel overwhelmed, you can retreat to the bathroom or take a short walk for some private time.

10)If you choose to avoid the usual gatherings, consider

volunteering to serve meals at shelters, visiting shut-ins, or

spending the day at a movie or health spa.

Remember: You will get through this time. We�ve found that the anticipation is usually much worse than the actual events. Be sure to plan ahead and do only what is most comfortable for you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

My husband died two years ago. He was never very interested in traveling, but I was and now that he�s gone, I�m ready to start seeing new places. The problem is, I don�t have any friends who are able to join me and I don�t feel ready to go on my own. Any suggestions?

Cynthia B.

Good news! The travel industry is beginning to cater to solo travelers, especially women. Check out sites such as Lipstick and Wanderlust (www.lipstickandwanderlust.com) and Women Travel Tips (www.womentraveltips.com). To combine learning with travel, look into Smithsonian Journeys (www.smithsonianjourneys.org) and Elderhostel (www.exploritas.org), which offers additional �women only� tours. Many travel services geared for singles will help match you to suitable roommates. Bon Voyage!

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Can't Stop Thinking About What Happened

2009-10-09T16:41:00Z

October, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: CAN�T STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

If you find that you can�t stop thinking about what happened when your spouse/partner died, this month�s Feature article explores the issue of being preoccupied with details of a loss and offers ways to cope.�

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Can�t Stop Thinking About What Happened

In the days following the death of your spouse/partner, you probably find yourself pre-occupied with what has happened.

Whether it�s the details of those final days, the death itself, or worries about arrangements/financial concerns, thoughts and images about your loss seem to occupy every waking moment.

In the aftermath of any shock (even when a death is anticipated), it�s normal to be preoccupied with these thoughts and images as your mind struggles to absorb the reality of the loss.

Added to this are the other adjustments and tasks you�re forced to deal with as a consequence of the loss itself.

Keep in mind that with time, you�ll be able to focus on other aspects of your life.

Many people feel guilty when this happens, fearful that pulling away emotionally means they no longer love or remember their partner.

What it actually means is that you�ve begun to find a new, different place inside you for your loved one. A place that is no less cherished for not demanding your constant attention.

If, however, after a year or so, you�re still preoccupied with the death, it may be due to conflicts or unfinished business that are complicating your ability to mourn. Consider getting counseling from a mental health professional or trusted clergyperson to help you sort through troublesome concerns.

YOUR QUESTIONS

Since my husband died, I�m having a hard time adjusting to cooking just for myself. I end up wasting a lot of food. I�m trying to break old habits, but it�s so difficult. Any suggestions?�� Vivian R.

Yes, cooking for one is a challenging adjustment and for some, can bring up the pain of loss. Try to recognize whether cooking has become a way of holding on to feeling part of a couple. If not, there are several options for dealing with extra food. Some people find it helps to freeze extra portions. Or, if you�re used to buying in bulk from warehouse stores, consider bringing a friend along to share supplies with. You might also donate extra food to local food banks. Also check out your local libraries, bookstores and/or online resources for cookbooks geared for singles.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions

2009-09-08T20:22:06Z

September, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: HOW TO COPE WITH ANNIVERSARY REACTIONS

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Welcome back! Now that September has arrived, we�re looking forward to bringing you new tips and support to get you through the rest of the year.

Whether you�ve recently lost your spouse/partner or it�s been awhile, we�ve all been caught unawares by �anniversary� reactions, those painful reminders of our loss. We hope this month�s feature article, How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions, will offer some insights into how to soften the impact of these situations.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions

We�ve all experienced them: things are going along okay when out of the blue you�re suddenly feeling sad or depressed.� You can�t understand what�s hit you. Everything seemed fine and these emotions just don�t make sense. Or do they?

Stop and take a minute to ask yourself the following:

1. Is it the anniversary of a month, day, or event that had significance for you and your spouse? While holidays are expected to be difficult, days that represent �the last time� or �our special experience� are just as emotionally loaded and often less obvious sources of pain.

2. Have you recently revisited places that were special for you and your spouse?� Even if it�s a different time of year, locations can also trigger feelings of loss.

3. Is the anniversary date/revisit about to come up or just past? One reason these reactions catch us off guard is because their timing is often unpredictable or unexpected.

Memories have a way of emerging and blindsiding us despite our best efforts to avoid them. Hidden triggers can touch off the most powerful and baffling reactions of loss.

The most effective way to disarm these �sneak attacks� is:�

A. Take the time to identify what�s causing them (see above).

B. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness associated with the event.

C. Assure yourself that now that you�re aware of a particular triggering event, you can anticipate it in the future and thus have greater control in dealing with the situation.

D. Allowing yourself to experience the feelings of loss means you�re taking another step forward in your bereavement process.

�

Remember that although there are always these emotional triggers out there, the pain you�ll feel will become less intense over time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

Since my wife passed last year, I�ve wanted to spend more time with my grown daughters. I realize they�re busy with their own lives and families and I don�t want to impose, but it gets pretty lonely without my precious wife. I have some good friends and enjoy several hobbies but how do I let my kids know I�d like to see more of them without sounding like a burden?�� Harry E.

Your family may in fact be wondering how to be supportive of you. You might suggest scheduling weekly phone conversations (at times and days convenient to everyone), or e-mails. You could also arrange meals, outings or events that include grandchildren and/or other family members. Focusing �together time� around specific activities provides structure and allows others to �be there� for you.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

2009-06-09T20:47:00Z

June, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Now that summer has arrived (okay, it isn�t official until the 21^st), you may be thinking about getting away for a vacation. If the whole idea of finding someone to accompany you seems too daunting, and/or the notion of traveling on your own feels uncomfortable, read this month�s feature article for some exciting options.

Look for your next edition of the Lost My Partner Newsletter in September.

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

One of the most difficult steps after losing your spouse/partner is planning a vacation without him or her. You probably aren�t feeling like your usual self, so it can be hard to summon the happy anticipation that �getting away� used to bring. And visiting familiar places may bring back the pain of the pain.

Despite some discomforts, however, taking a vacation on your own can also be filled with pleasurable new discoveries and opportunities for gaining self-confidence. Before giving up on a trip this year, consider these options:�

WOMEN TRAVELERS

Many women either can�t find a travel companion or are uncomfortable
with the idea of traveling alone. In a recent report by Reuters, however, the CEO�s of the two leading international companies reported that six in 10 travelers today are women � up from five in 10 in 2007. In addition, 30% of female travelers today are booking their trips as solo travelers, traveling either alone or with women friends, despite their marital status.



Wanderlust and Lipstick (www.wanderlustandlipstick.com), is a wonderfully informative travel site packed with tips, information and tour options especially for women (some tours are open to men as well).





MEN TRAVELERS

While some men are comfortable traveling on their own, others may prefer not to. One option is to ask a friend or relative to share the experience.

A less conventional option, if you�re a man between 40 and 68 who enjoys dancing and socializing, is travel on a cruise ship as a �Gentleman Host�. With greater numbers of single women taking cruises, there�s a steady demand for eligible single men to provide dance partners. Aside from the opportunities to see the world at little cost, being a Gentleman Host offers numerous on-board benefits.

Visit the Gentleman Hosts Page on the Compass Speakers site (http://compassspeakers.com/gentleman_host.html) for more information.

GREAT EXPERIENCES FOR ANYONE GOING SOLO OR BRINGING THE KIDS/GRANDKIDS

Smithsonian Journeys (www.smithsonianjourneys.org ), is affiliated with the Smithsonian Institution and also offers a wide range of worldwide educational travel experiences. They have several tours for parents and kids.

Elderhostel (www.elderhostel.org ), is a non-profit program that combines learning with travel. Tours throughout the U.S. and the world are conducted by experts knowledgeable in the subjects you�re studying. Elderhostel offers Women Only tours as well as an Intergenerational Program, with educational adventures designed especially for grandparents (over age 55), and grandchildren.

FINDING AN ADULT TRAVEL COMPANION

The Travel Insider (www.thetravelinsider.info/info/links.html#singles), has an extensive Information Page that offers a wide variety of links to match sites, as well as to sites that provide information about different travel concerns.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died just a year ago. I�m having a problem with our daughter, who lives out of state. She�s been pushing me to sell my house and move into a retirement community near her.� I�m still comfortable in my home and have some close, long-time friendships. I don�t have any family besides my daughter, however, and I worry that if I don�t go along with her plans, she�ll get upset and won�t be there for me down the line when I need her. I don�t know how I�ll manage, as I�ve come to depend on my daughter a great deal since my husband�s death.�� Jeanette L.

It�s easy to understand your anxiety about being potentially abandoned by your daughter. Make it clear to your daughter that you value your independence and, at this time, want to remain in the comfort and familiarity of your own home. It�s also important to cultivate the support of your friends. Get together with them and suggest ways to provide mutual care-giving in case one of you becomes ill or is otherwise in need of support. Keep in mind that although your daughter may be temporarily upset by your decision, right now, she�s still your child and will probably not abandon you when you need her in the future.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's Day and Father's Day

2009-05-05T20:29:39Z

May, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Whether you�ve lost your spouse/partner or are an adult child who has lost a parent, you may be wondering how you�ll cope with Mother�s Day and Father�s Day. For some useful tips, we�re reprinting the monthly feature article from our May, 2007 newsletter.

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband and I used to be very active in several charitable organizations. We were involved in many fund-raising and social functions with some other couples and I considered them good friends. Since my husband�s death last year though, something seems to have changed. Although these couples still greet me warmly when we meet at functions, they no longer seem to include me as part of the group. I feel quite hurt by this but wonder if I�m being too sensitive.�� Margaret S.

It�s understandable that you feel hurt by behavior that may be adding to the sense of abandonment you�re� already experiencing. Becoming a �single� person can have an impact on how you�re perceived by others who are still part of a �couple�. While there are several reasons behind this, none of them are your fault. Many who encounter this discomfort with couple friends gradually pull away from these relationships and find support and companionship with others who are single.

(To learn more, see chapter Twenty-four, �Other People�s Reactions� in our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition; 2008.)

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

2009-04-06T20:42:33Z

April, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 4�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Well, we�ve finally launched our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com. If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

This month�s feature article in fact, comes out of a blog topic we were� researching.��

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

If your spouse/partner has died, or if you�re a widowed mom or dad, you�re probably familiar with your basic Social Security benefits.

You may not be aware however, that if your divorced spouse has died, you can receive benefits as a widow/widower if the marriage last 10 years or longer and you are age 60 or older (or age 50 if you are disabled).

��

Under certain circumstances, the following survivors may also qualify for benefits:

Step-children, grandchildren, or adopted children.

Dependent parents age 62 or older.

Check out www.socialsecurity.gov for more information. The site tells you what paperwork you�ll need and how to apply.

If you were in a same-sex marriage or domestic partnership, your state may also offer survivor benefits. Go to www.findlaw.com to learn more about the laws in your particular state. This is generally a great site for answers about a wide variety of legal issues.

Never assume you have no rights or benefits. Always check it out!

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My late wife�s family has always included me in their holiday dinners. This year though, they haven�t asked me to join them for Easter dinner as usual. There�s been some friction with these relatives over the provisions of my wife�s will (which I had nothing to do with), and I suspect that plays a part in this situation. What should I do about this upsetting problem?�� Charles R.

It�s understandable that you�re feeling upset by this. Being pushed away by former in-laws can feel like yet another loss on top of what you�ve already experienced. Wait and see if there are any attempts by these relatives to reach out to you at a later time. In the meantime, arrange to share Easter dinner with your own family and/or friends.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

2009-03-07T16:22:48Z

March, 2009______________________________________________McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartner.com

�� newsletter@lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Anyone experiencing a loss knows how suddenly tears can be triggered. Whether you�re at home or at work, painful reminders of our loved one can strike without warning. This month�s feature article offers some options for finding the privacy you need to shed those tears without the worry of interruptions.��

You can read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

Whether you�re at work or at home, it can be difficult to find the privacy to �let go� and shed some tears. Crying is a necessary release of pain and tension. Sometimes though, the tears just blindside you. It helps to have some places in mind that you can easily retreat to.

Some of our favorite spots are:

In the workplace:

1. A restroom in the building.

2. A stairwell.

3. A secluded area nearby.

4. Your car.

At home:

��

5. The bathroom shower with the water running.

6. Any room where others aren�t likely to disturb you, such as the garage or the laundry room.

7. Any quiet nearby streets where you can take a walk.

8. Your car. ��

Although it�s sometimes inconvenient, remember that each tear helps move you through the process of mourning.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My dad died just a year ago. My mom, who�s 80, recently started dating a widower who�s about the same age. I�m really having a problem with the idea of her dating after having been married to my dad for over 50 years. My mom seems really excited and happy with this guy but I can�t help feeling that she�s being disloyal to my dad. Am I being selfish?� ��Alan C.

��

Your feelings are certainly understandable. It can be difficult adjusting to seeing your surviving parent in a romantic relationship with someone new. In addition to this situation appearing like disloyalty, it can also raise fears about another �loss�, i.e., losing your surviving parent�s affections toward you.� Although we usually urge those who have been widowed to take as long a time as possible to mourn their loss, your mother�s age is a factor here.� Keep in mind that she probably misses the companionship she had for 50 years with your father. Try to give her some space to explore new attachments. Gently discuss any concerns you may have and offer your support for this new phase of her life.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues

2009-02-06T14:07:09Z

February, 2009______________________________________________McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartner.com

�� newsletter@lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: How to Beat the Valentine�s Blues

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

With its emphasis on love and romance, Valentine�s Day can be a painful reminder that you�re no longer part of a couple. This month�s feature article (reprinted from our February, 2005 newsletter), puts a different spin on the whole idea of celebrating this holiday. Let us know your thoughts on our approach by emailing us at contact74@lostmypartner.com. ��

Speaking of which, we�re in the process of creating a blog. This is new territory for both of us so right now we�re just giving you a �heads up�. We�ll keep you posted (in both the traditional and blog sense of the word), and look forward to having a quicker way to hear about and respond to your opinions and questions.

You can read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES

It�s all around you: painful reminders that you don�t have that �someone special� with whom to celebrate Valentine�s Day. Although your spouse isn�t here to share the day, try to expand your definition of �love�. Embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection such as family members and good friends. Use the holiday to show your appreciation in some of following ways:

Schedule lunch or dinner with a good friend.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this custom with family and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. On a valentine, list at least 2 things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a �gift� (hobby items or clothes).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband of 47 years died about a year ago. One of my friends fixed me up with a man who has also been widowed for a year. He�s asked me out to dinner. Although I�ve accepted, I�m very nervous about being on a date. Any suggestions?�

�� Judy R.

Of course you�re nervous! After all, it�s been a long time since you last dated. Although you may feel like a teenager, remember that you�re now an adult and have successfully coped with many different life experiences. Also, it can help break the ice for both of you if you�re just honest and share your own anxiety about the situation.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Beware the Ghouls and Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

2008-10-09T16:46:26Z

October, 2008_____________________________________________McCormick Press

VOL. V, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartner.com

�� newsletter@lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Beware the Ghouls and Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Welcome to our October newsletter! With Halloween coming up, we thought we�d put a humorous spin on our feature article; being widowed can be scary enough without the added stress of coping with difficult people. Learn how to identify and cope with these �creatures�.

We�re so excited about our long-awaited Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Enlarged and Revised Edition that for a limited time, we�re offering FREE SHIPPING on both the new and the original editions. Find out more at: www.lostmypartner.com.

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Beware the Ghouls and Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

Here are some tips for identifying them and protecting yourself:

1. Platitude Ghouls

Ward them off by: Changing the subject.

2. Gruesome Grabbers

Ward them off by: Telling them, �I�m just not ready to deal with this yet. I�ll let you know when I�m up it.� Then be sure to keep an eye on them.

3. Demolition Demons

Spot them: These creatures love to pressure you with sincere but unwelcome advice aimed at dismantling reminders your former life. Under the guise of �it�s for your own good�, they urge you to give away your spouse�s belongings, sell your car, home, or other valuables, move to another city, or make other important changes. Quickly.

4. Creepy Crawlers

Spot them: Usually a family friend or neighbor, these predators exploit your trust at a time when you�re most vulnerable. When these creeps offer a sympathetic �shoulder to cry on�, that�s not the only part of their bodies they want to share with you.

��

The grieving process can be scary enough without these creatures. With a little caution and some assertiveness, you can send them scurrying back into the darkness.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died recently. He used to handle most of our finances. About a month after his death, I started getting calls from some brokerage firms pressuring me to have them start managing my portfolio. I�m so overwhelmed right now but worried that I�ll have financial problems down the road if I don�t get some guidance.�� Marilyn W.

When in doubt, don�t make an important decision until you�re emotionally ready to do so. Signing up with brokerage or other financial firms can often involve hidden costs and giving up some control over your what happens to your money. Ask a trusted relative, friend or accountant to help you learn about and explore various financial options before committing to anything.�

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

Receive a 25% discount when you buy the original, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Explore the New World of Single Friends

2008-09-12T17:27:12Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER��

VOL. V, Issue 7�� September, 2008

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter!

Our long-awaited new edition of Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Enlarged and Revised Edition is now available. To order quickly online, visit us at www.lostmypartner.com and discover the valuable new chapters and updates we�ve added to our bereavement guide.

Our monthly newsletters will continue to provide you with comfort, reassurance, practical strategies and useful tips.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

**************************************************

It�s Here!

The new Lost My Partner; Revised & Enlarged Edition

Visit www.lostmypartner.com to learn more and order now.

**************************************************

MONTHLY FEATURE

EXPLORE THE NEW WORLD OF SINGLE FRIENDS

While you and your late spouse may have enjoyed friendships with other couples, the situation usually changes once you are widowed. Making the shift from being part of a couple to being single can be difficult. While you may choose to continue with the comfort of couple friends, you�ll probably find some of these relationships fading away.

Although you may be initially uneasy with the idea of making new friends who are single, consider the following:

a. Contact single friends you already know and get together for coffee, a movie or other activity.

b. Consider joining a group that reflects your interests or hobbies. Check with your place of worship, local Chamber of Commerce or neighborhood hobby supply stores for groups or clubs in your area. In addition to offering opportunities for potential friendships, groups can help you feel less isolated.

c. Unlike couples, who are constrained by the needs and schedule of a partner, single friends are often available and eager to join you in activities.

d. Depending on your age, you�ll probably find you have more in common with others who have gone through the experience of being widowed.

Give yourself time. Finding new friends with similar interests can create lasting and supportive friendships.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I recently joined a widowed group at my church. I�ve noticed that some of the people seem more interested in dating each other than in talking about their loss. This makes me really uncomfortable. My husband passed just 6 months ago and I have no intention of dating now, but this group doesn�t seem interested in talking about what matters to me and the kinds of things I�m going through. I�m thinking about quitting.�� Janet R.

Although some widowed groups encourage dating among members, be careful. It�s important to take time to grieve the loss of an old attachment before becoming involved with a new relationship. Rushing into dating too soon almost always backfires, causing problems for a new relationship (for more about this, read the chapter �Am I Really Ready for This?�, in Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?). If possible, shop around for another group or try online widowed support groups.

�

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

Receive a 25% discount when you buy the original, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

AFTER THE FUNERAL; Part II: Once the Visits Stop

2008-05-06T20:45:16Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. V, Issue 5 May, 2008

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter!

Our long-awaited new edition of Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Enlarged and Revised Edition is now available. Order online during the month of May and receive the special pre-publication discount! Visit our website and discover the valuable new chapters and updates we�ve added to our bereavement guide.

Our monthly newsletters will continue to provide you with comfort, reassurance, practical strategies and useful tips.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

**************************************************

It�s Here!

The new Lost My Partner; Revised & Enlarged Edition!

Order online during the month of May while you still the pre-publication discount of 15% off the list price.

Visit www.lostmypartner.com to learn more and order now.

**************************************************

MONTHLY FEATURE

After The Funeral; Part II: Once the Visits Stop

In the period following your spouse�s funeral, you were probably caught up in a flurry of visits and invitations from family and friends as well as the tasks of legal and financial paperwork. Once the distraction and comfort these provide begin to taper off however, you may find yourself feeling:

� The pain of your loss more acutely as the initial shock wears off.

� A sense of abandonment, both by your spouse and others you depend on.

� A sense of being unsettled, as you ask yourself �Where do I go from here?�

� Overwhelmed by the challenge of how to put your life back together again.

Keep in mind that others usually take their cues from you about how much or how little interaction you want or need. Although you�re probably finding it a struggle just to get out of bed each day, please consider the following:

1. It�s okay to reach out to others. They will probably be pleasantly surprised to receive a phone call or e-mail from you.

2. Keep it simple. Suggest an activity like coffee, a meal or a movie that involves a minimal time commitment from you during this difficult period.

3. Look into widowed groups as a place to meet others who are going through similar experiences (discover many other opportunities for meeting people in our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?)

4. Spend some time with children and/or grandchildren. Visits can be kept short if that�s more convenient for you.

5. Although your memory and concentration are probably impaired right now, others will understand. Remind yourself that these symptoms of grief will get better.

Remember to take one step at a time and try not to stay isolated from other people.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died 2 months ago. My birthday just came up but I didn�t feel like celebrating. My daughter wants to hold a party with close friends next month, but I�m not sure if it�s proper under the circumstances. What do you think?� Alice W.

If you feel up to it, by all means allow your family to celebrate you. It will provide a chance for others to come together for a happy occasion. Expect to feel some sadness though, because your husband won�t be there to share in the festivities. Rather than avoiding any mention of him however, try to include some remembrance of him from past celebrations. Expect feelings of loss to crop up at future gatherings and holidays, especially the first year following the death. Keep in mind that the pain does soften with time.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

Receive a 25% discount when you buy the original, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

AFTER THE FUNERAL; Part I: Not Getting Overwhelmed

2008-04-05T19:16:12Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER��

VOL. V, Issue 4�� April, 2008

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter!

Our long-awaited new edition of Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Enlarged and Revised Edition is now available at a special pre-publication discount! Visit our website and discover the valuable new chapters and updates we�ve added to our bereavement guide.

Our monthly newsletters will continue to provide you with comfort, reassurance, practical strategies and useful tips.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

**************************************************

Coming in May!

The new Lost My Partner; Revised & Enlarged Edition!

Pre-order online now and get 15% off the list price.

Visit www.lostmypartner.com to learn more and order now.

**************************************************

MONTHLY FEATURE

AFTER THE FUNERAL; PART I: Not Getting Overwhelmed��

In the initial weeks following your spouse�s death, you may find yourself swamped by well-meaning family, friends and others anxious to show their caring and support. Phone calls, e-mails and visits can provide a welcome cushion from the shock and pain of your loss. There may be times however, when all the attention becomes overwhelming.

For those occasions, remember the following:

Pace yourself. People will understand that under the circumstances, you need to gage your capabilities on a day-to-day basis.
If you feel the need for quiet or solitude, it�s okay to say so. Let others know you appreciate their company but recent events have left you depleted and you need to take time to retreat.
If others invite you out for a meal or other social occasion, you may be reluctant to decline because out of fear of losing more connections in your life. People will understand if you explain that you aren�t sure from one day to the next how you�ll be feeling and will have to let them know closer to the event.

Keep in mind that others tend to feel helpless when a death occurs. The calls, visits and invitations help them feel less so. Your comfort level, however, is what�s most important, however, so help others to really �be there� for you by gently setting some limits.

Coming in next month�s newsletter: AFTER THE FUNERAL; PART II: Once the Visits Stop

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died 2 � years ago and I haven�t been able to think about dating.� But now I think I�m ready. How do I start?��� Anita V.

Depending on your age, there are a variety of approaches: alerting family and friends, taking a class at your local adult school or college, volunteer work, or joining a singles� group at your place of worship. Our new edition of Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? offers more suggestions as well as new information and advice about online dating. Engaging in activities that you enjoy for themselves rather than primarily as opportunities to meet men, will probably be the most comfortable options.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

Receive a 25% discount when you buy the original, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

TO HONOR OR NOT TO HONOR: The Dilemma of Last Wishes

2008-03-07T17:01:22Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. V, Issue 3 March, 2008

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner �� What�ll I Do? we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

**************************************************

Special Website Discount!

Pay only $9.71 (25% off the list price of $12.95), when you order the book, Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? from our website, www.lostmypartner.com

**************************************************

MONTHLY FEATURE

TO HONOR OR NOT TO HONOR: The Dilemma of Last Wishes

Few requests carry a more powerful sense of obligation than those of a dying spouse.

These can include anything from funeral/memorial arrangements to where and how the remains are to be dealt with.

Sometimes, though, your spouse�s wishes may conflict with your own needs. What seemed the right choice at the time the requests were made can, as the realities of death are actually faced, feel uncomfortable or inappropriate to the survivor. The decision to change or ignore your spouse�s wishes, however, may leave you struggling with feelings of guilt and/or resentment.

If you�re facing this dilemma, or already have, consider the following:

1. At the time these requests were made, he/she couldn�t have anticipated the realities of how you would feel when the time came to carry out these wishes.

2. Discuss with family members the possibility of compromise. If, for example, your spouse wanted no service or memorial but you and the family feel the need to get together to share the loss, you might arrange a �gathering� to which family and friends can bring photos and mementoes of your spouse.

3. The important thing is that you honor(ed) your spouse�s life in the best way possible for all concerned

Keep in mind that your needs are as important to respect as your late spouse�s were.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�Since my husband passed away a year ago, I haven�t felt up to visiting our favorite restaurant. My husband and I were very friendly with the owner and his wife and everybody knew us. I really miss seeing everyone but I�m afraid it�ll be uncomfortable if I return. What should I do?� Roseanne G.

While it can be difficult returning to places that hold special memories, it�s a sign of progress that you�re feeling ready to take this step. If you do decide to revisit this restaurant, consider bringing a friend or family member(s) who understand the situation. The owners and staff will probably be delighted to see you again and will do everything possible to make you feel welcome.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

Receive a 25% discount when you buy the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

ENCOUNTERS OF THE AWKWARD KIND; When Others Haven't Heard About Your Spouse's Death

2007-11-07T17:19:40Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. IV,� Issue 9�� November, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner �� What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

ENCOUNTERS OF THE AWKWARD KIND;

When Others Haven�t Heard About Your Spouse�s Death

Whether it�s a phone call asking for your spouse or bumping into an acquaintance in the market or at a social gathering, encountering someone who hasn�t heard about your loss can be especially difficult.

Such situations can cause you to feel:

Discomfort as you struggle with how to reply.

Possible pain at hearing your spouse�s name brought up.

Resentment as you feel compelled to take care of the other person�s reactions of shock and embarrassment.

Here�s some ways to respond to unexpected queries about your spouse:

��

� Calls From Friends (�So, how is [your spouse�s name]?�)

With a friend who hasn�t heard about the death, try replying: �I�m sorry to have to tell you this but he/she died (give approximate date).�

� Unsolicited Business Calls (�May I speak to [your spouse�s name]?�)�� If you don�t recognize the caller, screen the call by first asking him/her to identify themselves. Putting the caller off with �He/she isn�t here right now.� may only trigger a return call. Instead try: �Unfortunately, he/she is deceased.�

� Face-to-face Encounters (�So, how is your wife/husband?�) Keep it simple. One response might be: �This has really caught us both off guard. Briefly, here�s what happened��

��

If you�d rather avoid going into details, you might say: �I can�t really talk about it right now. I�ll be in touch when I�m up to it.�

Remind yourself that with time, you�ll gain skill at handling these inevitable situations.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�It�ll be my first Thanksgiving since my husband�s death My son�s fianc�, who is from another country, has invited me to her family�s Thanksgiving dinner. I�ll be uncomfortable without my husband there anyway, but the idea of everything being different (with different foods and customs), makes me very uneasy. I don�t want to insult my future daughter-in-law and her family (not to mention my son), by turning down their invitation, but I�m afraid I�ll feel like more of an outsider than I usually do now that my husband is gone. How should I handle this?�� Dorothy D.

After losing your spouse, it�s natural to wish things could remain the way they�ve always been. Try to look on this dinner as an opportunity to form closer ties to your future daughter-in-law and her family. Questions you may have about the cuisine can help you learn more about their culture. Consider bringing a favorite holiday dish, so you have something familiar on the table. This can also prompt you and your son to share recollections of your husband at past celebrations. Relating family stories is a great way to �give him a place� at these occasions as well.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others

in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Obtain a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner �- What�ll I Do?� Purchase online at www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

(Copyright � 2007 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)

�

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How to Get More/Less Support; PART II, When You Need Less Support

2007-10-12T20:32:57Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. IV,� Issue 8�� October, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner �� What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

How To Get More/Less Support From Others

PART II: When You Need Less Support

�Since my wife died, my daughter fusses over me like I�m a child. I liked the attention at first, but it�s been awhile and now I can�t seem to convince her I�m able to take care of myself again.�

In the weeks following your spouse�s death, you may welcome having friends and family step in and take over responsibilities. As you start to get back on your feet, however, too much assistance may become unnecessary and unwanted. If you�re usually the �independent� or �self-sufficient� type of person, you may even feel somewhat uneasy by others� attempts to take care of you.

Although you might not need their help right now, you may want the reassurance of other�s help if the occasion arises. Here�s one example of how to approach friends and/or family.

�Your help has meant a lot to me, but I�m starting to feel stronger, and it�s important that I begin to stand on my own two feet as much as possible If something does come up where I might need your help, is it okay if I let you know?�

Remember: Everybody needs support at certain times. Let family and friends know how much you appreciate their help but be clear about your need to feel more like your old self again.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband had Parkinson�s and died last year. Recently, the husband of a close friend of mine was diagnosed with the same disease. Since then, she and her husband have been calling me with questions about the illness. I tried suggesting they join a support group but they ignored this idea. Although I�m very fond of them and understand how frightened they are, their repeated questions keep stirring up painful memories for me. How do I handle this situation without hurting my friends� feelings?�� Susan R.

Your sensitivity to your friends� situation is understandable, but you also need to protect yourself. Tell your friends something like: �I understand your need for support and information and I want to be there for you, but it stirs up painful memories right now.�

Be sure to remind your friends about the organizations and support groups that are available to them.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others

in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Obtain a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner �- What�ll I Do?� Purchase online at www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

(Copyright � 2007 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)

�

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HOW TO GET MORE/LESS SUPPORT FROM OTHERS; Part I: Asking for More

2007-09-09T21:49:28Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. IV,� Issue 7�� September, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

How To Get More/Less Support From Others

PART I: Asking for More Support

�After my husband passed away, I got a lot of support and help from family and friends. But it�s been awhile now, and I seem to be forgotten. I think they see me as �strong� but I still need to know that they are there for me.�

As you struggle with the many stresses that come with losing a spouse, you may feel more vulnerable, lost, or �alone in the world�. �For some, especially those who normally see themselves as �self-sufficient� or who believe it�s �weak� to depend on others, it can be difficult to ask for support during this difficult period.

Keep in mind that nobody is strong all the time. Even Superman can be weakened by Kryptonite. So cut yourself some slack and consider the following:

Bereavement is a temporary period, during which everybody needs to lean on someone.

Your limitations won�t last. With time, you�ll get better at coping.

Encourage emotional support by telling others that, for now, you need their support while you adjust to your new life. Arranging to �touch base� by phone or e-mails once or twice a week, will help you get through this.

If you need assistance with chores or shopping, avoid overloading someone by delegating different tasks to more than one person.

Be very specific about what you need help with. For example, you might say �With all that�s been going on right now, I�m a little overwhelmed. Would you mind helping me with�?�

Be aware that others have their own lives and responsibilities, so working out a compromise is important.

Remember: Most people are eager to help. Lending you a hand will help them feel less helpless and more involved in �doing something� for you, even if it�s only picking up a few groceries.

(Look for PART II: When You Need Less Support, in our October Newsletter)

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My wife died a year ago. Since then, my step-daughter and her husband are going through a messy divorce and fighting over custody of their 9 and 12 year old daughters. I love my step-grandkids and want to be there for them in some way, but I�m not sure what to do.�� Harvy W.

You�re probably feeling helpless and frustrated in this situation. Keep in mind that the children have to live with these parents, however troubled they may be. Though you love the girls and wish you could �make it all better�, you unfortunately can�t. You can, however, try to maintain as much of a connection with them as possible. Make sure they know how to reach you by phone or e-mail. While it�s important to be supportive, be careful not to take sides against either parent when communicating with the children.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others

in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

For a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner �- What�ll I Do?, buy online at www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

(Copyright � 2007 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)

�

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Getting the Family Through Mother and Father's Days

2007-05-04T13:51:06Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER��

VOL. IV, Issue 5�� May, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you. We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Getting the Family Through Mother and Father�s Days

Holidays can be difficult, especially during the first year after your loss. Like other holidays, Mother and Father�s Days are advertised everywhere and filled with reminders of happier family times.

Try these coping tips:

a. Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b. Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c. Some may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on holidays.

d. If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

The feelings these holidays stir up won�t just go away. It�s best to acknowledge the occasions, even briefly, especially with children. Otherwise, these emotions will come up another time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�After living all our lives in Seattle, my husband Bob and I moved to Chicago 10 years ago because of his job. Two years ago, Bob died. Our son and daughter are grown and busy with their own families. Lately I�ve been thinking about moving back to Seattle, where my roots are.�� Betty H

Before taking such step, ask yourself the following: Will you have a support system in your new city? Should your age be a consideration? The younger you are, the easier it is to form new friendships. Also, as we get older, it�s more important to be near adult children for physical as well as emotional support; If you chose to stay put, is there any possibility your adult children may themselves relocate in the future?� Will housing costs and the local job market be important factors in your decision?

Whatever you decide to do, remember that in this technological age, staying in touch with loved ones is easier than ever. Good luck.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in purchasing a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Seven Tips for Getting Through the Night

2007-04-08T17:53:07Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. IV, Issue 4�� April, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Seven Tips for Getting Through the Night

During bereavement, it�s normal to experience some disturbance in your normal sleep habits. Some people can�t fall asleep while others may awaken after a few hours.

Instead of berating yourself in frustration, try these time-proven tips:

1. Don�t look at the clock. It only adds more pressure to the situation.

2. Write down any persistent thoughts or worries. This helps �move� them out of your mind and onto a page.

3. Listen to music or a talk show at such a low volume that you have to strain to hear it. This helps divert you from other concerns.

4. Listen to a relaxation or meditation tape or CD.

5. Get out bed and sit in a chair. Read a boring book, watch a boring television show or focus on something that will lull you back to sleep.

6. Do a repetitive activity such as vacuuming or sorting papers.

7. Try to get some mild exercise earlier in the day. Although grief can make you feel less energetic, it�s important to add some gentle physical activity to help your body �tire out�.

As you struggle to get through a sleepless night, here are some words of caution:

1. Avoid alcohol. Although it makes you feel relaxed, it also increases depression, as well as causing a hangover. Drink warm milk or cocoa instead.

2. Consult your physician about a temporary sleep aid. Medication can help for the worst nights but in the long term only slows down and delays the normal bereavement process.

3. Avoid your computer. Online activity tends to create more mental stimulation.

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself. If you continue to experience sleep disturbances after several months, consider getting professional help to deal with the concerns that are troubling you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I haven�t visited my husband�s grave since his funeral four years ago. My family and friends have offered to go with me but I just can�t bring myself to go. I feel guilty. What should I do?�� Joan M.

Visiting the gravesite is a very personal choice. While some people find regular visits comforting, others find it too upsetting and choose not to visit. Some visit only on special occasions or holidays. As with all other aspects of bereavement, you should trust your own sense of what feels right for you.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, you can buy immediately on our website, www.lostmypartner.com. Or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Disarm Those Sneak Attacks of Grief

2007-03-06T13:02:44Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. IV, Issue 3�� March, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

DISARM THOSE SNEAK ATTACKS OF GRIEF

Stop and take a minute to ask yourself the following:

2. Have you recently revisited places that were special for you and your spouse?� Even if it�s a different time of year, locations can also trigger feelings of loss.

3. Is the anniversary date/ revisit about to come up or just past? One reason these reactions catch us off guard is because their timing is often unpredictable or unexpected.

Memories have a way of emerging and blindsiding us despite our best efforts to avoid them. Hidden triggers can touch off the most powerful and baffling reactions of loss.

The most effective way to disarm these �sneak attacks� is:�

A. Take the time to identify what�s causing them (see above).

B. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness associated with the event.

C. Assure yourself that now that you�re aware of a particular triggering event, you can anticipate it in the future and thus have greater control in dealing with the situation.

D. Allowing yourself to experience the feelings of loss means you�re taking another step forward in your bereavement process.

�

Remember that although there are always these emotional triggers out there, the pain you�ll feel will become less intense over time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�After my husband�s death last year, I became friends with a woman who was also widowed. She�s invited me to spend a week at her lovely vacation condo. I haven�t slept away from home since my husband�s death, and I�m not sure if I�m up to it. What should I tell my friend?�� Nettie W.

You may be reacting to the discomfort of going on a trip without your spouse. This is commonly a difficult but necessary step in bereavement. Consider the advantages in fostering new friendships, however, and whether it�s time to go beyond your comfort zone and try a new experience. If you feel comfortable with this person, (who, having been widowed, will probably understand), explain your concerns. Perhaps �try out� a night or two away from home before committing to a longer stay.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, you can buy immediately on our website, www.lostmypartner.com. Or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Simple Solutions For A New Year Without Your Spouse

2007-01-08T13:41:30Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER��

VOL. IV, Issue 1�� January, 2007

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

www.lostmypartner.com

newsletter@lostmypartner.com

contact@lostmypartner.com

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(Here�s the popular article from our January, 2005 issue)

FIVE SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, �bite-size� goal every day, such as tackling a couple of tasks. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

3. Think back to the person you were before you married. Can you remember any hobbies or interests that you might have set aside due to family responsibilities? Consider participating in those former activities once again. Local adult schools or community groups offer many opportunities to freshen up your skills.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do. Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself.� Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�Recently my daughter has been wanting to discuss some problems she�s having with her marriage. My wife was always the one who handled this sort of thing. I get angry about having to deal with these family problems and I resent it that my wife isn�t around so I don�t have the pressure. Am I just being selfish?�� Jerry R.

It�s understandable that you feel uncomfortable in a new role with your family. Try thinking back to what your wife used to say in similar circumstances. After years with her, you can probably imagine what she would say. Let this guide you and trust your own judgment as a father. Rather than providing a �solution� to her concerns, your daughter may just need the reassurance that one of her parents is still around for support.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in purchasing a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Where Are You When I Need You: Coping With Illness Without Your Spouse

2006-11-07T13:05:52Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER�

VOL. III,�� Issue 9�� NOVEMBER, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Where Are You When I Need You?; Coping With Illness Without Your Spouse

Because of the stress you�ve been under, the first couple of years following the death of your spouse are, statistically, likely to leave you vulnerable to illness. When illness does strike, whether it�s a common cold or something more serious, it can stir up an emotional reaction as well. Whatever comfort and support your spouse once offered is no longer available to you. You may find yourself saying:

�Why aren�t you here when I need you?� Or: �I took care of you but you�re not here to take care of me!�

Feelings of abandonment, anger, depression and anxiety are normal reactions under the circumstances. You can best cope with the situation by:

a) Recognizing what is actually triggering these emotions.

b) Calling on family, friends or neighbors to stop by (just having someone in the house can be comforting), or run errands for you.

c) Reminding yourself, if you�re uncomfortable asking for help, that you would help others out if they were in a similar situation. Remember, this is temporary.

d) Contacting the medical social services department at your local hospital for assistance in finding resources, such as support groups, home health aides, or other services.

Remember you have developed coping skills during and after your spouse�s death and can now draw on them to make it through this period.

NOTE: Because your spouse�s death has left you more physically vulnerable, it�s important to let your doctor know about your loss. Some pre-existing medical conditions may be affected by the stress of recent circumstances.

ATTENTION READERS: Your next issue will arrive in January. In the meantime, discover practical tips for coping with the upcoming holidays. Just go to our website www.lostmypartner.com, click onto �Past Newsletters� in the left-hand menu and scroll down to article #15 (�Ten Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays�).

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed away in February. My son and daughter-in-law will be hosting Thanksgiving this year. My son asked me to bring his favorite casserole which I�ve made �each Thanksgiving since he was little. �I hate to let him down but I just don�t feel up to all the mess and bother. What should I tell him?�� Lillian W.

This year it�s okay to say, �I don�t feel up to it yet. Maybe next year I will.� Offer to bring something you can purchase instead, like a beverage or holiday flowers instead. Remember that for now, (temporarily), you aren�t your usual self. Family and friends will understand.�

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

All Grown Up but Still Your Little One; Making Sense of Your Adult Child's Reactions

2006-10-05T16:31:16Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 8 OCTOBER, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

All Grown Up but Still Your Little One; Making Sense of Your Adult Child�s Reactions

Since your spouse�s death, do you find your adult children nagging you about your health or safety? Have they been making unwelcome intrusions into your daily life or generally treating you like a child?

Although they are grown, the death of one parent can stir up fears about losing the surviving parent for an adult child. Anything that makes you seem vulnerable, whether it�s your health or behavior, can suddenly loom in your child�s mind as potential for another loss. Remember that no matter how old we are, we always need and would like to depend upon a parent.

Here are some ways to understand and cope with your child�s anxiety:

1. Acknowledge that having lost one parent, you are all the more precious to him or her.

2. Suggest that you work together to create a strategy for dealing with worrisome situations.

3. If you�ve been managing on your own and your doctor isn�t concerned about you, consider either getting a life-line device you can use in an emergency or agree to a daily �check-in� where one of you phones the other at a pre-arranged time.

4. If you�re feeling pressured or controlled by your child, try saying something like, �I know you mean well and this is one way you show you care about me. However, I know what�s best for me and will do everything I can to make sure I�m around as long as possible.�

5. If there are ways your adult child can assist you, let them know specific tasks they can perform (as part of your mutual �strategy�.)

Remember that whenever we lose a loved one, others we love can seem vulnerable to death. No matter how old he or she becomes, your child is always your child. Try not to lose sight of the frightened, dependent little one inside the adult.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I�ve held onto my late husband�s car because it has so many happy memories for me. Recently, it�s been breaking down and now it needs some very expensive repairs. My grown kids want me to get rid of it and buy something newer. I know I probably should, but I just can�t bring myself to let go of my husband�s car. What should I do?� Sarah B.

Giving up any possession that holds cherished memories is always difficult The memories, however, will always live inside you, not in a vehicle that has become unsafe.. Your safety and wellbeing should come first. Letting go of your husband�s car and driving a newer model will be an important step forward in your progress.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Tips for Taking Your First Bytes of Computer Dating

2006-09-08T14:42:52Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 7 September, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Five Tips for Taking Your First Bytes of Computer Dating

We urge you to take the necessary time going through the grieving process before you start dating. By jumping in too quickly, you risk damaging future attachments because you may not be emotionally ready.

However, once you are ready, you may consider trying one of the many online dating services. While online dating is one way to meet people you might not otherwise come into contact with, it can also be a scary experience the first time out. According to online dating coach Andrea Spector, M.A. (yes, she�s one of our family), �Computer dating is a great way to get back into the dating game, but it�s usually most helpful as a tool to improve your dating skills, rather than a way to find true romance. Think of the experience as similar to chatting with a stranger at a party or other social gathering.�

So keep your expectations realistic and follow these tips:

Research various dating websites and ask friends for recommendations. Read books on online dating so you feel prepared for what�s ahead.
Dating websites want a profile of you. Think of this as your �ad� and use an attention-grabbing �headline�. Ask a friend to go over your profile and suggest ways to highlight your talents and qualities. Keep it light and preferably humorous.
ALWAYS BE CAUTIOUS. Don�t reveal where you live, work or other personal information until you�ve spent some time with your date.
AN ADDED PRECAUTION: Leave the name and contact information of who you�re meeting with a trusted friend or relative. Chances are there won�t be any problems but the internet does attract dangerous people.
Make the first date for coffee and keep it to 30 minutes. You don�t want to invest more time and/or money in case you don�t hit it off.

Remember: Online dating can be a good way to stick your toe into the water rather than plunging in. Take it slow, keep expectations low, be cautious and enjoy learning new dating skills.

YOUR QUESTIONS

After my husband passed away a few months ago, I decided to have a lot of long-overdue repairs done on our home. A couple of days after the carpenters left, I was looking for a treasured necklace of mine and couldn�t find it anywhere. I really panicked when I also couldn�t find some other valuable pieces of jewelry. I phoned the contractor, who apologized, and I even filed a police report. Then a week later, when I was clearing out the trunk of my car�there was a bag with my �lost� jewelry in it! Suddenly I remembered that in my rush to leave the house before the workmen arrived, I�d packed up my jewelry and stashed it in the car. Was I ever embarrassed! I�m only in my early 50�s but with the way I keep forgetting things lately, I�m afraid I�ve stared to get senile. I need to know if it�s just me or is this normal?

Sandy K.

No, you�re not getting senile. Forgetfulness is a normal but temporary symptom of bereavement. The stress of preparing for the workmen as well as having to do it without your husband�s help added to the pressure you were under at the time. Your panic was probably also fueled by the additional loss of losing cherished possessions.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

I Don't Need This Right Now; Coping With the Usual At an Unusual Time

2006-06-08T17:24:45Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER VOL. III, Issue 6 June, 2006 Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies NOTE: Our new mailing address is: McCormick Press, c/o P.O. Box 6877, Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877 Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers. We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you. We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us. Thanks for joining us. Warmest Wishes, Ruth and Laurie MONTHLY FEATURE I Don�t Need This Right Now; Coping With the Usual At an Unusual Time Daily life is full of things that go wrong or break down: the refrigerator goes on the blink, the car needs new brakes, or the plumbing creates a disaster. Some of these problems may have been neglected during your spouse�s illness, but now demand your attention. Having to deal with these headaches while you�re grieving can feel overwhelming. Before you give up in despair, try these strategies: 1. Prioritize. Which tasks are most urgent? What can wait a while? 2. Get support. Although you may be very capable under normal circumstances, this is not a �normal� time for you. For now, it�s okay to ask family, friends and neighbors for assistance. 3. Give yourself permission to make a mistake. If you later find that you didn�t make the best decision to solve a problem, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you�re going through one of life�s most stressful experiences. At least you did something to handle a problem. Remember: For now, your usual coping abilities are not working as they used to. This is only temporary! You will get better. YOUR QUESTIONS �My husband died two months ago. Since then, there�s a million things I have to take care of. Most days I don�t know if I�m coming or going. Whenever my daughter calls, she starts making suggestions about how I should get out more and join groups and things. Our conversations usually end with me getting upset and snapping at her. I love my daughter dearly and don�t want to ruin our relationship but I don�t know how to handle it when she keeps pushing me with suggestions.� Sharon L. When others start making suggestions, it�s often their way of expressing caring, however misguided it may sound. Try acknowledging her concern by saying something like, �I really appreciate your support but I�m just not ready to take that step right now. I�ll let you know when I am.� LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE IN SEPTEMBER. Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it. If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

I Don't Need This Right Now; Coping With the Usual At an Unusual Time

2006-06-07T21:08:25Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER�

VOL. III,�� Issue 6�� June, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

I Don�t Need This Right Now; Coping With the Usual At an Unusual Time

Daily life is full of things that go wrong or break down: the refrigerator goes on the blink, the car needs new brakes, or the plumbing creates a disaster. Some of these problems may have been neglected during your spouse�s illness, but now demand your attention.

Having to deal with these headaches while you�re grieving can feel overwhelming. Before you give up in despair, try these strategies:

1. Prioritize. Which tasks are most urgent? What can wait a while?

2. Get support. Although you may be very capable under normal circumstances, this is not a �normal� time for you. For now, it�s okay to ask family, friends and neighbors for assistance.

3. Give yourself permission to make a mistake. If you later find that you didn�t make the best decision to solve a problem, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you�re going through one of life�s most stressful experiences. At least you did something to handle a problem.

Remember: For now, your usual coping abilities are not working as they used to. This is only temporary! You will get better.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died two months ago. Since then, there�s a million things I have to take care of. Most days I don�t know if I�m coming or going. Whenever my daughter calls, she starts making suggestions about how I should get out more and join groups and things. Our conversations usually end with me getting upset and snapping at her. I love my daughter dearly and don�t want to ruin our relationship but I don�t know how to handle it when she keeps pushing me with suggestions.�� Sharon L.

When others start making suggestions, it�s often their way of expressing caring, however misguided it may sound. Try acknowledging her concern by saying something like, �I really appreciate your support but I�m just not ready to take that step right now. I�ll let you know when I am.�

LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE IN SEPTEMBER.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

GRIEF VERSUS THE BLUES

2006-05-03T14:57:00Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER�

VOL. III,�� Issue 5�� May, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

********************************************************

Hello and welcome to our improved newsletter format! We�ve also updated our website, so check out the new features.

We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make �valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

GRIEF VERSUS THE BLUES; IT�S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

Normal bereavement is often confused with clinical depression. They have similar symptoms (sadness, loss of energy and appetite), but there are differences when it comes to how they should be treated. Even doctors don�t always realize these differences and may be quick to prescribe medication that can hamper a normal bereavement process.

Major depression is:

1. �A reaction to various causes such as a life transition (i.e. children leaving ��home), a situation (i.e. losing a job or moving), or childhood trauma.

2.� An emotional disorder that requires the identification of underlying causes and treatment by a professional. The goal of treatment is to stop the emotional distress as quickly as possible.

Normal bereavement is:

1. A reaction to an actual recent death.

2. A normal, appropriate reaction that needs to be given sufficient time to be resolved.

It�s possible to experience major depression while you�re also grieving a recent loss. For example, you may be struggling with additional stresses (financial, family conflicts) as a result of losing your spouse. An experienced mental health professional can be useful in helping you sort through this.

They can also refer you to a psychiatrist (a physician who specializes in medication for emotional concerns), who can discuss the best medication to TEMPORARILY help you deal with some of the symptoms of grief. Remember: the longer you postpone dealing with your bereavement, the longer the process will take.

NOTE: Want to learn more about the various symptoms of grief? Go to www.lostmypartner.com and click onto �Sample Chapter� to read �Not Normal Is Normal� (excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?).

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My wife recently died. We have a teenage son. I don�t want to cry in front of him but it�s hard to find a time or place where I can let out my grief.� ��Brent A.

Tears are a healthy expression of your loss and holding them back only delays the grief process. Although children can become anxious seeing a parent cry, you can reassure them that tears are a normal reaction to feeling sad and missing someone. Always assure them that you�re still here and will take care of them. Sometimes, however, privacy is a concern. We suggest you try crying in the shower, on a walk in a secluded place, or sitting alone in your (parked) car.�

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?,telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Remember that our new mailing address is: Mc Cormick Press, c/o P.O. Box 6877, Beverly Hills, CA 90212-6877.

�

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Health Tips for Surviving Bereavement

2006-04-09T10:49:11Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 4 April, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

FIVE HEALTH TIPS FOR SURVIVING BEREAVEMENT

Research has shown that you are more vulnerable to physical problems following the death of a spouse. This doesn�t mean that you will get sick, only that it�s important to take care of your health during this stressful period.

The best ways to safeguard yourself include:

Inform your doctor(s) that your spouse has died. Pre-existing medical conditions can be affected by the stress of coping with loss and you may need an adjustment in medication dosages or other treatment changes.
Make sure you�re getting adequate nutrition. Appetite loss is a common symptom of grief and can create health problems over time. Rather than forcing yourself to polish off three full meals a day, make an effort to eat several small snacks throughout the day, including fruits, vegetables and lean meats or other sources of protein.
Consider vitamin and/or meal supplements. Ask your doctor about taking vitamins and/or one of the liquid meal supplements you can buy at the market.
Take short naps to compensate for the lack of sleep at night. Sleep disturbance is a very common symptom of grief. A word of caution: Some doctors will want to prescribe sleep medications. Although this type of medication can be helpful in the days following the death, continued use can interfere with the normal grief process.
Keeping moving. If at all possible, try to get at least 20 to 30 minutes a day of light exercise, like taking a walk. Mild exercise has been proven to help overall health and wellbeing.

Remember: Bereavement puts you�re under a lot of stress both emotionally and physically. It�s important to take the best care possible of yourself during this vulnerable time in your life.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"I recently lost my husband of 32 years. My grown daughters want me to come live with them in another state because I have Type I Diabetes. I�d much rather stay in my own home as long as I can, but my daughters worry about me. What should I do?" Norma B.

Although your daughters mean well, you have to trust your sense of what feels right for you. If you�ve been managing on your own and your doctor isn�t concerned about your safety, consider getting set up with a life-line device that you can use in an emergency.

Your daughters might be reassured by having a daily �check-in� where one of you phones the other at a pre-arranged time.

In general, we recommend that anyone living alone, regardless of their current health, arrange a �buddy system� with a neighbor(s). This involves each of you agreeing to help the other in case of an emergency, whether it�s contacting paramedics or family members or providing a ride to the doctor�s office.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at:

contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Remember that our new mailing address is: Mc Cormick Press, c/o P.O. Box 6877, Beverly Hills, CA 90212-6877.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Rediscovering Yourself.

2006-04-09T10:46:25Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 3 March, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Rediscovering Yourself

Becoming widowed often means adjusting from thinking of yourself as half of a couple to seeing yourself as a unique individual. This process can be difficult, especially if your loss was recent and if your marriage was a long one. If you were young when you married, your sense of yourself was probably more tied in with being part of a couple. You may also be part of a generation that discouraged married partners from developing identities outside that relationship.

Remember that in adapting to this change you were a separate person before you married.Try to think back to that time before the responsibilities and compromises of marriage. What dreams and goals did you have for yourself? What talents and skills were you beginning to recognize but had to set aside because of marriage or a family?

If your loss was recent, it may feel uncomfortable to consider trying new activities. Try taking baby steps such as joining a class or engaging in a long-postponed hobby or sport.

With each step you do take, you�ll discover a growing sense of achievement and rediscover the unique individual you once were.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"I recently met a very nice man in my grief group. Although it�s only been a short time since his wife passed, he says he�s been dealing with his bereavement by seeing a grief counselor as well as being in our group. This man wants to date me but I�m worried. My husband passed about a year ago so I know bereavement takes awhile. Is it too soon for this man to be dating?" Estelle G.

You�re wise to have some concerns. Often the excitement of a new relationship halts the necessary grieving process. It sounds however, like this gentleman is doing the right things. Having professional help with your bereavement can be invaluable in staying on track.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Remember that our new mailing address is: McCormick Press, c/o P.O. Box 6877, Beverly Hills, CA 90212-6877.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Dating Someone in Your Widowed Group; Look Before You Leap.

2006-04-09T10:45:07Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 2 February, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Dating Someone in Your Widowed Group; Look Before You Leap

If you�ve been involved in a bereavement group, you may have encountered this situation; people in various degrees of pain are sharing their feelings and experiences in an atmosphere of mutual trust and understanding. Many miss the companionship of having a spouse, see the self-disclosure as a perfect �ice-breaker�, want the excitement of a new relationship and begin to look at others in the group as possible romantic interests. Two members get together outside of the group meetings and begin to date. Is this really a good idea?

If you are in a widowed group and are considering dating another member, ask yourself the following:

Are you in the beginning or later stages of grieving for your spouse?
Is a new relationship mostly a way to not feel the pain of your loss?
Did you join the group with the intention of using it as a convenient �dating pool�?

Now consider these points:

Bereavement is an important, necessary, and often difficult emotional process we all need to go through. Trying to �short-cut� this process by dating too soon usually results in problems that can destroy new relationships.
While new romances are exciting, they are also fragile. By connecting with someone new before you�ve mourned the loss of the old relationship, you are only putting the pain of your loss on temporary hold. The pain is still inside you despite being avoided and will often erupt in ways that create stress for a new partner.
Bereavement groups should be a way to help you move yourself through the grieving process, not delay it.

Remember: Always listen to yourself and use caution deciding whether this is truly the right time for you to take this step. Discuss your thoughts privately with the group leader if you need additional support. Most widowed groups discourage dating within the group during the period it meets because dating causes distraction from the important work of bereavement.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"My friend told me about a computer dating service. It�s been over a year since my wife passed. I�m thinking about trying this online thing, but I�m not sure." Annette C.

We urge caution with online dating. Many people are dishonest on the application profiles, so you can�t be sure about the information you�re getting. Don�t give out any personal information to prospective dates that could compromise your safety. Be sure to have several online and telephone conversations with the man prior to an actual date. Meeting at a public location for the first date is a good idea for both your sakes.We know this doesn�t sound romantic, but better safe than sorry.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at:

contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Remember that our new mailing address is: Mc Cormick Press, c/o P.O. Box 6877, Beverly Hills, CA 90212-6877.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

A New Year; What�s Ahead For You?

2006-04-09T10:43:30Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. III, Issue 1 January, 2006

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

NOTE: Our new mailing address is:

McCormick Press,

c/o P.O. Box 6877,

Beverly Hills, Ca 90212-6877

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

A NEW YEAR; WHAT'S AHEAD for YOU?

The holidays are finally over. Congratulate yourself on having survived. As you look ahead to the coming year, what do you feel? Dread, hope or a combination of both?

Depending upon how recently your loss occurred, you may experience dread if:

1. This will be a year of firsts, i.e., first birthday, wedding anniversary, and/or other special occasions since the loss.

2. You are wondering where to turn for support.

3. You ask yourself, � How can I put my life back together now that my spouse is gone?�

If some time has passed since the loss, you may be facing the future with hope as you:

1. Think about ways to enlarge your circle of friends, (you may have lost some, especially couple friends, now that you are widowed).

2. Redefine how you see yourself. What strengths have you gained and in what ways are you more confident?

3. Consider trying new activities, which are good ways to gain both of the above.

Recognize that while so much in your life has changed due to your loss, trust yourself to learn how to weather the changes and challenges in the year ahead.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"I�ve been attending a weekly widowed group for several months and I think it�s time I moved on. I just don�t seem to get out of it what I used to. How do I know for sure if I�m ready to leave this group? " Rosemary S.

In any ongoing group, each member is always at a different place emotionally. If you find that you�ve outgrown the benefits of this type of support, speak privately to the group leader about your feelings. Together, the two of you can reach the best decision. If the decision is to leave the group, the leader should make it comfortable for you to say your goodbyes to the others.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Living With Having Lost Your Temper; Defuse Guilt About Your Angry Reactions Toward Your Dying Spouse, Part II.

2006-04-09T10:16:17Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. II, Issue 8 October, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us. Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes, Ruth and Laurie

P.S. We�ve changed our mailing address to: Mc Cormick Press, P.O Box 6877, Beverly Hills, CA 90212-6877.

MONTHLY FEATURE

Living With Having Lost Your Cool; Your Angry Reactions Toward Your Dying Spouse

Part II: Why Your Spouse May Have Provoked Your Anger

In Part I, we explored the various stresses you were under at the time your spouse was dying. It�s important to look at how terminal illness may have impacted on your spouse and how his or her reactions may have unintentionally pushed your buttons. As you look back, keep in mind the following:

a. Everyone copes with the reality they are dying in different ways. Some of those ways of coping can change how the person acts towards others, especially a spouse.

b. Everyone copes with the loss of the body�s normal functioning in different ways. This also affects how they respond to others.

c. Because of the above, your spouse was no longer the person you had come to know, and rely on. As he or she struggled with these changes, they may have become more anxious and clinging, distant, demanding or angry towards you.

d. Changes in your spouse probably caused you to feel fear, anger and helplessness as you tried your best to adjust.

No wonder you felt pushed to your limits, sometimes resulting in a loss of temper. Remind yourself that just surviving each day was a victory.

YOUR QUESTIONS

My daughter has 2 young children. Because my son-in-law has to travel on business a lot, my daughter wants me to help with the kids. After my husband passed, babysitting really helped me cope with my grief. Lately though, I�m wanting to get out more and make some new friends and maybe take an adult school class. I�m afraid if I tell my daughter no, I�ll hurt her feelings. I feel so guilty. What should I do? Dolores K.

Many grandparents face this dilemma. You�re in the process of building a new life for yourself. Perhaps you can offer your daughter certain times of your week when it�s convenient for you. Sounds like your daughter and her husband need to resolve their childcare problem in some other way. You have a responsibility to yourself as well as others.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

My neighbor kept urging me to join her in some social activities, but I kept putting her off. Last week, when I hemmed and hawed over her invitation, she got frustrated and said, �Well, are you coming or aren�t you?� I decided to push myself and I went. Was I glad I did! Getting out and doing something new really boosted my self-confidence. And now I don�t feel so alone. Millie D.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters.

Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it. If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Living With Having Lost Your Temper; Defuse Guilt About Your Angry Reactions Toward Your Dying Spouse, Part I.

2006-04-09T10:15:10Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 7 September, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(This is Part One of a two part series about handling guilty feelings about expressing anger toward your spouse during their final illness.)

LIVING WITH HAVING LOST YOUR TEMPER

Defuse Guilt About Your Angry Reactions Toward Your Dying Spouse

Part I: What Else Was Going On At the Time?

Many of us feel guilty about having expressed anger toward our spouse during his or her final illness. The memory of having lashed out at a dying loved one is especially painful and can haunt us long after they are gone. How do we let ourselves off the hook and heal this emotional pain?

Start by taking a step back.

Memory often has blinders on. Guilt can cause us to focus on a very limited view of circumstances. It can also make it difficult to put ourselves back into that particular time and place and recognize all the stresses that were creating our angry reaction. Try answering the following:

1. How long did it take before you knew the diagnosis and what stresses were you under before it was reached and after it was reached? Try to recall roughly how much time and effort went into medical appointments, hospital stays, researching the disease online and/or at the library and keeping others informed and updated.

2. Prior to your spouse�s illness, how many hours a day did it typically take you to perform your normal work and tasks?

3. How much sleep did you actually average every 24 hours (remember interrupted sleep and quick naps) while you were caring for your spouse during this period?

4. How did the stress affect your appetite at this time?

5. What other outside stresses were going on (reactions of family and friends, financial worries, etc.)?

Did your answers surprise you? Reminding yourself of just how difficult those circumstances really were can help you realize that you did the best you could at that time.

In Part II, we�ll discuss how the experience of dying impacts a couple�s relationship from each partner�s perspective.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"I recently joined a bereavement group. Last time, the group leader started asking us to talk about our childhoods. I had a very unhappy one and wasn�t comfortable getting into such personal matters, especially in front of other people I barely know. I don�t see what talking about my childhood has to do with my grief about my wife. I�m thinking about dropping out of this group. What should I do?" Louis W.

You always have the right in any group to reveal as much or as little as you choose. Arrange to speak to the group leader and tell him or her your concern. Any qualified bereavement group facilitator will understand and appreciate the feedback If not, speak to that person�s supervisor or the head of the organization that offers the group about the problem.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

"I try to leave something more personal than flowers whenever I visit my husband�s grave. Because he loved to play tennis, I leave a tennis ball as a special remembrance between us. It always makes me feel closer to him." Sarah B.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters.

Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

A Vacation for One.

2006-04-09T10:13:01Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. II, Issue 6 June, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you�d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

A VACATION FOR ONE

One of the most difficult steps after losing your spouse is planning your first vacation without him or her. You probably aren�t feeling like your usual self, so it can be hard to summon the happy anticipation that �getting away� used to bring. Visiting familiar places can bring back the pain of the loss. Before you start making reservations, consider the following:

a. Team up with a family member or friend who is compatible. If you�re uncertain how you�ll get along, try going away for a weekend together before committing to a longer trip.

b. New places can offer new experiences and a chance to create new memories.

c. Remember that feelings of loss may come up unexpectedly. Give yourself permission to grieve even though you�re supposed to be �getting away� from things.

d. If you find yourself traveling constantly the first year after the death, it may be a way of avoiding the grief process. Grief has a way of catching up when not attended to.

e. Don�t be surprised if, when you return home, there�s a moment when you expect to be greeted by your spouse.

Despite some discomforts, taking a vacation on your own can also be filled with pleasurable new discoveries and opportunities for gaining self-confidence. So start packing!

YOUR QUESTIONS

"The anniversary of my husband�s death is next week. My children want me to join them for an annual dinner dance that my husband and I used to attend every year. I just don�t feel right about going alone but my daughter is really pushing me to go and says my son-in-law will be glad to be my partner during the dancing. What should I do?" Miriam Z.

The decision is yours, of course but it is always difficult for the recently widowed at these occasions. Although thoughtful men (like your son-in-law) may offer to dance with you it �won�t be the same�. You may want to take a pass this year. Thank your daughter and suggest that by next year you�ll feel differently and will gladly take your son-in-law up on his offer at that time.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

"Whenever I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs doing, I write a priority list. As I accomplish each task, I give myself a verbal �pat on the back�, and let myself feel good about what I�ve just completed." Jim J.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters.

Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Tips for Surviving Celebrations Without Your Spouse.

2006-04-09T10:11:30Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. II, Issue 5 May, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

FIVE TIPS FOR SURVIVING CELEBRATIONS WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Whether it�s Mothers� Day, a family wedding or a dinner dance, attending celebratory events can be difficult without your spouse by your side. Be aware that reminders of your loss will probably creep up on you unexpectedly. The following strategies can help get you through the occasion:

1. Prepare yourself by allowing a few tears before the event starts. This is an effective way to both acknowledge the loss and to deal with your reaction in a more private setting.

2. You may feel resentful of others who are still part of a �couple�. This is a common reaction. A thoughtful host or hostess will seat you with others who are also attending solo.

3. Watching couples dance can be a painful reminder. Considerate friends or family may try to step in here, so attempt at least one dance. Rather than sit alone at a table while others dance, consider walking over to anyone you know and starting a conversation.

4. Be sure you have a way of leaving early if you don�t feel up to staying for the entire event. If you haven�t taken your own car, arrange ahead of time for a ride home, even if it means calling a taxi.

5. Distract yourself from focusing on your loss by talking with someone you�ve never met before who�s also attending the event. You may come away having made a new friend.

It is always hard the first few times you attend these occasions. Remember that with time, the discomfort softens.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My dearest friend is terminally ill. I want to be there for her two adult daughters but I find myself reliving my husband�s recent passing. I feel like I need to do this for my friend, who was so supportive when my husband passed, but I�m just not sure I�m up to it. What should I do?� Maureen L.

It�s good that you�re already aware this situation will stir up feelings. You can support your friend and her daughters but you also have a responsibility to yourself. Give yourself permission to take a �time out� from this very stressful situation. Ask if there�s less emotionally charged ways you can be of help, such as running errands, assisting with paperwork or preparing meals.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

�I was invited to an out-of-town reunion that required me to stay overnight at a hotel. This would be my first time staying at a hotel without my husband. Although I was nervous and uncomfortable, I told myself that the only reason I thought I couldn�t do this was because I was telling myself I couldn�t. Afterwards I feel really good about what I�d decided. Rather than head out on the road late at night, I was able to share laughs and memories with old classmates in the hotel lounge." Sylvia B.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Your Late Spouse�s Adult Children, Part II.

2006-04-09T10:10:14Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 4 April, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

contact@lostmypartner.com

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(This is Part Two of a two part series about coping with the impact of your spouse�s death on your relationship with his or her adult children.)

YOUR LATE SPOUSE�S ADULT CHILDREN

Part II: Friends or Foes; Handling Conflicts With Your Step-children

After a loss, almost everything touches a memory. Personal possessions of your late spouse�s that may seem insignificant to others can be rich with cherished memories for you. When the time comes to give away cherished possessions, there can often be conflict over who gets what, especially with stepchildren. While arguments may have already begun, we suggest you try the following approach:

A. Reassure your stepchildren that you respect their rights to any possessions that have special meaning and memories for them.

B. Ask them to respect your need �right now� for �some time� to hold on to these items (unless of course, you have no attachment to them), until you�re ready to deal with �letting go� of them.

C. Arrange for a get-together when you do feel ready to sort through your spouse�s personal items. Ask someone outside the family to act as mediator in case disagreements crop up.

D. Keep the big picture in mind. How important is it to maintain your relationships with your stepchildren and is it worth it to jeopardize future goodwill for the sake of some �things�?

E. However, if you believe giving away a particular item will leave you resentful, try to negotiate by offering something else with less sentimental value for you.

Always remember to trust your own sense of timing. Don�t allow yourself to be rushed into making decisions you may later regret.

(NOTE: We�ll talk about conflicts over monetary bequests in an upcoming issue.)

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died last year. My cousin has arranged a cruise where she and I will share a cabin. I�m not really that close to this cousin and don�t feel comfortable with the arrangements. I�m thinking of getting my own cabin but it�s very expensive and I�m afraid I�ll hurt my cousin�s feelings. What should I do?�

Daphne W.

If you haven�t traveled together before, try a short overnight or weekend trip with your cousin. That should help you both see how compatible you are as roommates before you commit to the expense of an extra cabin. And, in case things don�t work out on the initial trip, you�ll then have �evidence� to convince your cousin that separate cabins are best.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

�After my wife passed away, our little dog Shadow really moped around and grieved for her. It occurred to me that since I �m comforted by sleeping with her pillow (with her perfume scent on it), maybe the same idea would help Shadow. Since my wife�s old bathrobe has been in Shadow�s doggy bed, he seems a lot calmer.� Doug P.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Your Late Spouse�s Adult Children, Part I.

2006-04-09T10:08:47Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 3 March, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(This is the first of a two part series about coping with the impact of your spouse�s death on your relationship with his or her adult children.)

YOUR LATE SPOUSE�S ADULT CHILDREN

PART I : Can These Relationships Survive?

You�ve just lost your spouse. Now you may face more losses. If your spouse had adult children and grandchildren, can you be certain those relationships won�t either slip away or be destroyed by conflict?

To get a better handle on things, try to step back and consider the following:

Your stepchildren are grieving too. Their reactions will reflect their own relationships with their deceased parent. If there was conflict, there may be hidden guilt or remorse behind how they act.
Your connection with your stepchildren depends on how long you have been in their lives. Was there some initial tension around the circumstances of your marriage?
Your relationship with your spouse�s ex. After losing one parent, even adult children tend to cling to a surviving parent. Remember, however, that what appears to be a shift in loyalties may just be a temporary reaction to the loss.
Consider your connection prior to the death. Were you close to your stepchildren? What stresses did the circumstances prior to the death (prolonged illness, a sudden accident), put on things?

Then try this:

Give everyone a psychological �time-out� from making any decisions. Postpone any discussions about who gets what for a few months and tell the family, �I�m just not ready to focus on such important questions yet�.
Look to other family members and friends for your emotional support, and don�t expect your spouse�s children be there to lean on right away.
Don�t put your stepchildren in the middle of unfinished business you have with your spouse or his or her ex. Vent your anger at the appropriate target, even if it means talking to a photo of your spouse.
After a few months (trust your instincts about the timing), suggest a get-together. Assure your stepchildren that they remain important to you and you�d like to work out ways to maintain your connection.

Keep in mind that if your prior relationship was close, your stepchildren will be anxious not to lose it . A strong foundation can help any relationship weather some temporary storms.

Next month: Part II FRIENDS OR FOES; Handling Conflicts With Your Stepchildren

YOUR QUESTIONS

"My nephew recently came by and started looking through my husband�s things. I gave this young man my husband�s fishing gear and several other things I don�t feel very attached to. After he left though, I discovered my husband�s watch and silver money clip were missing. I�m really upset about this and feel so betrayed. I�m not sure how to handle this, though. We don�t have much family left and I�m afraid I�ll drive my nephew away for good if I say anything." Doreen G.

It sounds like you�ve got a rotten limb on your family tree. Phone your nephew and tell him that after his visit, you noticed some items were missing. Tell him that if he did take them you understand that he may have wanted to have some keepsakes for sentimental reasons (giving him the benefit of the doubt), but that he should have asked permission, because you aren�t ready to part with them. Say that you want these things returned immediately. If he doesn�t do so, he�ll no longer be welcome in your home. You might also say you�ll consider filing charges with the police. Time to prune that family tree.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

"My husband passed away in September. He always did our taxes, so this year, I started to panic, because dealing with any paperwork is overwhelming right now. My son-in-law suggested I talk to his accountant, who was very reassuring. I found out that I can ask for an extension from I.R.S. That really takes the pressure off!" Alice W.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine�s Blues.

2006-04-09T10:07:38Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 2 February, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we�ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice �user-friendly�. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES

It�s all around you. Painful reminders that you don�t have that �someone special� to with whom to celebrate Valentine�s Day. Although your spouse isn�t here to share the day, try to expand your definition of �love�. Embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection such as family members and good friends. Use the holiday to show your appreciation in some of following ways:

Schedule lunch or dinner with a good friend.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this custom with family and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. On a valentine, list at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a �gift� (hobby items or clothes).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, start a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed away four months ago. The recently widowed husband of an old friend just called and hinted about getting together for dinner. He hinted that he was interested in me romantically. Dating anybody is the farthest thing from my mind right now but I would like to see him again just as �friends�. How do I tell him without hurting his

feelings?� Harriet N.

It�s best to be direct. Tell him that while you�d love to catch up on old times, you aren�t ready to start dating. If you think you might be interested down the road, add, �right now�.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

�Whenever I feel low, I get out around other people. Sometimes it�s just a walk around the neighborhood where I can see familiar faces, or sitting in my favorite local coffee shop, where they all know me.� Ed R.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five simple Resolutions for a New year Without Your Spouse

2006-04-09T10:05:24Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 1 January, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

FIVE SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, �bite-size� goal every day,such as making two phone calls. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do. Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself. Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�It will be coming up on a year in December that my husband died. Although we had a very rocky relationship just before he got really sick, I put that all aside to take care of him. I now remember how the marriage was at most times not good and feel overwhelmed about that. How can I now cope with the bad memories without feeling guilty?� Kathy P.

All marriages have their ups and downs, but one that was especially troubled can complicate the grieving process because of mixed feelings. It�s normal to recall the pain and upset you experienced with your husband. Give yourself permission to be human and remember you did the best you could at that time. Check out the chapter �Battling Guilt and Remorse� in our book, Lost My Partner. It may also help to get some professional help in sorting through and coping with your feelings.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers� Tips

� I�ve decided to pamper myself more, especially during this tough time in my life. I treat myself to a manicure and it really gives me a lift.� Jackie W.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you�re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

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Ten Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays.

2006-04-09T10:04:07Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. I, Issue 6 November & December, 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we've done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice "user-friendly". Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes for the Holiday Season,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

TEN BEST WAYS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Dreading the upcoming holidays? If you've recently lost your spouse, the coming festivities can feel as unwelcome as Marley's Ghost. Here's some tried and true strategies for facing the holiday season:

Think ahead and try to anticipate how you'll feel on each holiday.
Even if you don' t join in the festivities, don't remain alone all day. Spend some time with a friend.
Considering your loss, don't expect yourself to be as upbeat as usual. Expect some sadness as you take part in the festivities.
To lessen the chance of emotional "sneak attacks", make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.
If you do choose to join in holiday activities, make some changes as to how much you do or become involved in.
Contact the host or hostess before the get-together and let them know that you aren't feeling like your usual self and may need to leave early.
Give yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to a gathering where your spouse is no longer with you.
Take your own car or alert a friend who is driving that you may want to leave early.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, you can retreat to the bathroom or take a short walk for some private time.
If you choose to avoid the usual gatherings, consider volunteering to serve meals at shelters, visiting shut-ins, or spending the day at a movie or health spa.

Remember: you will get through this time. We've found that the anticipation is usually worse than the actual event. Plan ahead and do only what is most comfortable for you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

" My husband of 32 years passed away last April. Since then, I've noticed that whenever my family gets together, nobody mentions his name. This really upsets me because it feels like he never existed when this happens. With the holidays coming up, I'm worried how I'll react at family dinners. How should I handle this situation?"

Others will take their cue from you. People close to us often fear "upsetting" us by mentioning our spouse by name. As you've discovered however, just the opposite is true. Mention your spouse through an appropriate remembrance such as his fondness for a particular dish or his enjoyment of a special holiday activity. This will give others "permission" to talk about him freely.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

"Whenever I attend special family events, I carry my wife's favorite pearl earrings in my pocket. It makes me feel like I'm bringing a part of her along." Mel T.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you're interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting Comfortable With Going Solo.

2006-04-09T10:02:46Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. I, Issue 5 October, 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we' ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What' ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice " user-friendly" . Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH GOING SOLO

Going alone to restaurants, movies or social occasions is a major shift after any long-term relationship. Many people feel self-conscious about being seen by others as "alone" and fear they"ll stand out in a gathering of people.

Rather than avoiding these situations and cheating yourself of the potential pleasure they offer, try these strategies:

A.) RESTAURANTS. Bring along a book, crossword puzzles, a newspaper or anything else that will keep you occupied and distract you from worrying thoughts. Think about how often you yourself pay attention to other people in restaurants before they "blend into the scenery". Why should others be any different?

B.) PARTIES AND SOCIAL OCCASIONS. Contact the hostess ahead of time and ask if there will be anyone attending who you already know and could be seated next to at a dinner.

C.) MOVIES. Attend matinees (when the price of tickets is generally cheaper, anyway), when you are less likely to be surrounded by couples .

Remember that you were your own person BEFORE you were married, and you STILL ARE. You bring unique gifts and qualities, which are enhanced by life experiences, to any situation.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"My nephew recently came over and told me how much he wanted my late husband's set of golf clubs. My husband really loved those clubs and I just don't feel right about giving them away now. What should I tell my nephew?"

Tell your nephew that you're not ready to part with the clubs. Offer him some other possession of your husband's that has less sentimental value to you.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

"Since my husband's death, I have trouble remembering what my doctor tells me during appointments. I've starting asking my good friend to come along on doctor's visits. It really helps to have someone there to catch what I miss." Doris G.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you' re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What' ll I Do? telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Handle �Friendly� Advice.

2006-04-09T10:00:56Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. I, Issue 4 September, 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we've done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice user-friendly . Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO HANDLE "FRIENDLY" ADVICE

Whether it's " You really should get out more" or " Why don' t you get rid of his things already?" , the advice and suggestions of well-meaning family and friends can sometimes feel like unwanted pressure while you're coping with the loss of your spouse.

Fearful of losing valuable support and unsure of their own judgment, many widowed are reluctant to tell others their comments are unwelcome.

Before you lose your temper however, we suggest you stop and try to listen to what' s being said. Depending on how long it's been since your loss, is your health or financial situation in jeopardy? Family and friends may be expressing concerns that justify some serious attention on your part. Another area of legitimate concern may be how socially isolated you've become. Assuming there are no safety issues involved, staying alone (as long as you're completely isolating yourself), can be comforting and is normal. But eventually forming new attachments (even just friendships) is an important part of moving forward in your bereavement.

Sometimes however, "friendly" advice is not useful. It may stem from family members' sense of helplessness and wish to "fix it" and/or be about their own idea of what's right for you. Handle these situations by thanking the other person for their concern, but gently point out that the timing has to feel right for you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

" I' ve been dating a wonderful man for the last month. Lately though, when he comes to my house and sees all the photos of my late husband, he' s begun making comments such as, "It' s like a shrine in here." This really upsets me. Why can't he understand that it' s comforting to be surrounded by happy reminders of another time in my life?"

Displaying a few keepsakes of your late husband is understandable. But maybe your need to "surround" yourself with mementoes means you aren't quite ready to take the step into dating. It's natural to miss the companionship that marriage provided but don't rush into new attachments without giving yourself sufficient time to mourn the former one.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

"Every time I get discouraged and think I haven' t made progress, I look at the "Clip This Chapter" page from my copy of Lost My Partner and remind myself of how far I have come." Betty L.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you're interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Don�t Pack Your Bags Too Soon.

2006-04-09T09:57:22Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. I, Issue 3 July/August 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we've done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice user-friendly. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

FEATURE ARTICLE

Don't Pack Your Bags Too Soon

"Come stay with us. It'll ll be good for you."

In the early weeks following your spouse's death, this heartfelt invitation from out-of-town family or friends can seem like a welcome reprieve from painful daily reminders of your loss. The lure of being with children, grandchildren or close friends who are otherwise far away is especially strong when you're grieving and tempting at a time when you're struggling to adjust to life without your spouse.

Don't start making travel plans yet! Waiting a month or so can make an important difference because:

1. As the shock of the death itself (even when expected), wears off, the familiarity of your own home helps you adjust to the gradual realization of what has happened.

2. Emotional and physical support from local family and friends is greatest after the death itself and will gradually decrease over time as others see you increasingly able to adjust to life without your spouse.

Leaving town interrupts these critical aspects of a healthy bereavement. Common problems that may arise include:

A. Feeling disoriented when you arrive at your destination. Your whole world has been turned upside down by your loss& the new location lacks the comfort of familiar objects.

B. Promises of being cushioned by loving attention from adult children or friends may not turn out to be what you expected. As a "houseguest" , you may find yourself left alone while others are at work or asked to baby-sit at a time when you aren't up to that sort of responsibility.

C. Once you return home, your local family and friends may assume you've "moved on" and no longer need them as you did before you left. Their initial intense support will no longer be there.

Although painful, the adjustment period right after your spouse's death is an extremely important one, and not a good time to be someone's houseguest. So give yourself plenty of time before taking out that suitcase!

YOUR QUESTIONS

" Ever since my mom died, my dad has managed pretty well by himself. Recently, though, he had a bad case of flu. I phoned and stopped by to see him every day after work. He says I fuss too much and that I'm making too big a thing out of his being sick. I say he doesn't realize how important his health is and he's making too little of my concern. Who's right?"

Having lost one parent, you're bound to feel worried any time your surviving parent is vulnerable. The idea that anything, especially illness can possibly cause you to lose another parent is especially frightening. Try explaining to your Dad that you aren' t trying to baby him but in light of what happened to your mom, he is all the more precious to you. Suggest that you work together to create a strategy for dealing with worrisome situations.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

" I'm so glad I joined a bereavement group. Although I was uncomfortable at first, I've now made several new friends. Unlike some of my other friends, these folks really understand what I'm going through." Susan B.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you're interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Now It�s Up To You; How to Tackle Your New Responsibilities.

2006-04-09T09:50:48Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. I, Issue 2 June, 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we' ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice "user-friendly" . Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth & Laurie

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MONTHLY FEATURE

NOW IT'S UP TO YOU; How To Tackle Your New Responsibilities

When it comes to handling your spouse's former responsibilities or chores, do you find yourself saying, "But (he or she) always took care of that!" You might say it in anger because you feel abandoned or you might say it in despair because you feel helpless about taking on duties you've never had to do before.

Whether it's carrying out the trash, managing finances, cooking or overseeing home repairs, the prospect of taking on the roles your spouse once assumed can feel overwhelming. Keep in mind that over time, you and your partner went through an adjustment period. This allowed you both to settle into the duties that felt most comfortable for each of you. Now everything is on your shoulders. It isn't easy adapting to new challenges but here is how to gain confidence as you try:

A. Remember, you don't have to be instant expert. It takes time and repetition to master any new task.

B. Ask others for help. Everyone loves to be asked for advice. Family and friends are eager to "do something" for you and will welcome any opportunity to either assist with chores or teach you the skills you need to accomplish them yourself.

C. Go online to gather "How To" information about anything from basic cooking techniques to hiring repair contractors.

D. Check your local library and consult the reference librarian. There are "How To" books specifically written for first-timers of both genders.

E. Consider enrolling in adult school or college extension courses to provide guidance and structure as you learn new skills.

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YOUR QUESTIONS

"Whenever friends ask me out to dinner or other events, I never know what to say because I'm not sure how I'll be feeling when the time comes to get together."

After thanking your friends for their interest, remind them that because of your loss, every day has its ups and downs. Ask your friends if it's okay to notify them a day or so ahead of the occasion, so you don't feel pressured and have a better idea of what you're up for. Most people are very understanding.

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GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

"When I recently misplaced my car keys, I panicked. My daughter- in-law suggested that I ask a neighbor I trust to temporarily keep duplicate sets of my car and house keys until I feel less absentminded. My neighbor was very understanding and I'm reassured knowing I have a 'back-up system'".

Anita F.

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Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you're interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

To Keep or Not to Keep�Seven Tips for Deciding What to Do With Your Spouse�s Belongings.

2006-04-08T17:34:55Z

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

Vol. I, Issue I May, 2004

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies.

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Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter, really difficult. Just as we've done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, we've specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice "user-friendly". Each month, we'll offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We want to make this newsletter an ongoing source of support you can turn to at any time, so please let us know how we can make it even better. Your ideas and suggestions are encouraged and welcome.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes, Ruth & Laurie

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MONTHLY FEATURE

How do you know when the time is right to clear out your spouse's belongings? This important decision has few clear guidelines. Well-meaning family and friends may pressure you to "get rid of" cherished possessions you don't feel ready to let go of. Or you yourself may feel anxious to "get rid of" painful reminders of your loss. But what's the rush? We urge you not to "get rid of" anything before you first consider these tips:

1. Trust your own instincts about the right time to tackle this difficult process. Take your time and don't rush. The hasty decision you make today may become tomorrow's regret.

2. Ask a trusted family member or friend for help in packing things up and/or making arrangements.

3. Set a realistic timetable for completing this process. Make allowances for how grief is affecting you. Assume there will be times when, despite your best intentions, you won't feel up to dealing with this.

4. Start by first getting rid of items you feel least attached to. Try to imagine what your spouse would want done with their possessions.

5. Don't kid yourself into believing that by getting rid of "painful reminders", you can avoid the pain. Allowing yourself to feel the loss is an important part of getting through it and is actually emotionally beneficial in the long run.

6. Hold on to whatever possessions give you comfort right now.

7. Move items you're undecided about to another location, such as rented storage. This allows you some breathing space before making more permanent decisions.

Be sure to give yourself the time you need and trust your instincts about what's best for you.

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YOUR QUESTIONS

"When should I stop wearing my wedding ring?"

It's up to you. There are no firm rules about if and when to take this emotionally loaded step. You might practice removing the ring for short periods and see how you feel. Or try a more gradual change by shifting the ring to another finger, different hand, or a chain you wear around your neck.

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GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

"Since my husband's death, I feel safer responding to unwanted telephone calls by saying, 'He's not available right now. Please don't call back.' " Beverly F.

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Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you're interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner - What'll I Do?, telephone toll free: 1-877-727-3814. Or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below: