FEATURE ARTICLE

Don't Pack Your Bags Too Soon

"Come stay with us. It'll ll be good for you."

In the early weeks following your spouse's death, this heartfelt invitation from out-of-town family or friends can seem like a welcome reprieve from painful daily reminders of your loss. The lure of being with children, grandchildren or close friends who are otherwise far away is especially strong when you're grieving and tempting at a time when you're struggling to adjust to life without your spouse.

Don't start making travel plans yet! Waiting a month or so can make an important difference because:

1. As the shock of the death itself (even when expected), wears off, the familiarity of your own home helps you adjust to the gradual realization of what has happened.

2. Emotional and physical support from local family and friends is greatest after the death itself and will gradually decrease over time as others see you increasingly able to adjust to life without your spouse.

Leaving town interrupts these critical aspects of a healthy bereavement. Common problems that may arise include:

A. Feeling disoriented when you arrive at your destination. Your whole world has been turned upside down by your loss& the new location lacks the comfort of familiar objects.

B. Promises of being cushioned by loving attention from adult children or friends may not turn out to be what you expected. As a "houseguest" , you may find yourself left alone while others are at work or asked to baby-sit at a time when you aren't up to that sort of responsibility.

C. Once you return home, your local family and friends may assume you've "moved on" and no longer need them as you did before you left. Their initial intense support will no longer be there.

Although painful, the adjustment period right after your spouse's death is an extremely important one, and not a good time to be someone's houseguest. So give yourself plenty of time before taking out that suitcase!

YOUR QUESTIONS

" Ever since my mom died, my dad has managed pretty well by himself. Recently, though, he had a bad case of flu. I phoned and stopped by to see him every day after work. He says I fuss too much and that I'm making too big a thing out of his being sick. I say he doesn't realize how important his health is and he's making too little of my concern. Who's right?"

Having lost one parent, you're bound to feel worried any time your surviving parent is vulnerable. The idea that anything, especially illness can possibly cause you to lose another parent is especially frightening. Try explaining to your Dad that you aren' t trying to baby him but in light of what happened to your mom, he is all the more precious to you. Suggest that you work together to create a strategy for dealing with worrisome situations.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers' Tips

" I'm so glad I joined a bereavement group. Although I was uncomfortable at first, I've now made several new friends. Unlike some of my other friends, these folks really understand what I'm going through." Susan B.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com